At The Root of My Frusterations

A friend lat night very bluntly challenged the root of my frusterations as of late. This week (among others this summer) has been emotionaly draining. I have 2 little problems, and have been focusing so intently on them that I've had a hard time seeing anything else. But at the root end of these problems lay something that I have never had to address in my life. It may sound a little Mickey-Mouse, but I don't consider myself a baby Christian either, so perhaps more people struggle with this in their Christian life than we think.

It's this little thing called self-worth. Please notice I didn't say self-esteem, but self-worth. This summer, all I have seen of myself is someone who can't get things right, can't get her emotions under control, who knows she is loved somehow, but can't understand why or how and has had a hard time accepting that love.

Now lies the key: I believe that God has made me the way I am. When I told my friend that, she asked "what is the way you are?" All I could think of was emotionally unstable, ugly, self-focused, someone who can't measure up to anyone (including my own) expectations..... She asked me what good things I see in myself, and I honestly couldn't think of any.... except that Jesus is in me, and that's something good (notice the irony: God does not make people this way, and Jesus in me does not even possibly coincide with the characteristics I've been seeing in myself).

She waited for a minute and started listing off all the good things she sees in me: spunk, beauty inside and out, joy, love, perseverance, compassion, a good friend, someone who longs for the things of God.... and she went on.

She also stated that if I came across a girl on the street who was feeling so worthless, I would tell her how much she is worth, how beautiful she is, how much she is really loved. She said I would say it with conviction, because I know it's true. And it is true, that is what I would do. But lately I haven't accepted it myself.... if this other girl is all these things, I'm all those things too.

Then she asked how I recieve compliments. As of late, I don't feel that I deserve them, and so they're not recieved. But there's nothing wrong with recieving them, knowing that those good things being complimented do come from God, and thanking Him for it.

I don't place confidence in the good things in me. I'm not sure if I need to. My confidence is in God, and I do say that with conviction and truthfulness. HE is the one who has put those characteristics in me, and I don't need to shove them under the rug, refusing to acknowledge them. Instead, I will take those things, freely use them to worship God, and humbly thank God for working in me that which is pleasing in His sight.


I'm off to Denis and Denise's wedding tonight! Oh boy, am I ever excited!!!!!!!