The time has come... I'm now finished exams.... yippeee!!!! And I can now blog all the things that have been pressing on my mind these last couple of weeks. Actually, it's been awhile since I've written about my experiences and thoughts, so this one may be a duzie...where do I even start?
A few weeks ago I came to a point where I really questioned God. Happenings around me just weren't going "right": mental illnesses, extreme mood issues, hurting people, and my own self-pity all bundled up and made me think to ask God what the heck He was doing... or even if He existed at all. I thought back to all the things He has done in my life and questioned whether it was really Him all along. So, in my state of loneliness and sadness over circumstances in life, I outright told Him that He had better show me that He is real because nothing was making sense or providing any meaning in life. My passion just wasn't there because I started to not believe that God was there.
And then I started reading Job. Even in my time of unbelief, I was drawn to read a book I had only absent-mindedly slugged through before. But this time I could not stop reading it. I read the whole book in one week. I couldn't reading it with one of Job's friends talking because I knew they were wrong. And yet, as I read it, I saw how much I relate to problems in life like they did: God punishes those who are not faithful. Have faith, be right with God, and everything will be okay. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), it just isn't so. And Job knew it: "How can a man be in the right before God? If one wished to dispute with Him, he could not answer Him once in a thousand times" (9:2-3).
I read as Job and his friends tried to sort out why all this was happening to him, with knowledge of what was happening "behind the scenes" with God and Satan. There was so much more to the story than those men on earth knew. And at the end of Job, God reveals Himself and states that He is so much more powerful than they make Him to be: He is so much more wise, and so much more sovereign.
And then I started reading "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancy. I haven't read very far yet as I had to stop to concentrate on exams, but so far what I have learned through that book is essential to my wonderings and unbelief. God was hidden for me. He didn't "show up" (please note I put that in parentheses because He's already here). He did not give me clear guidelines on how to live so that I could be happy. He wasn't explaining to me why I felt hurt and lonely or what I should do to fix it. He allowed sick things to happen to people that I know. I guess you can say I was disappointed with God for many reasons... mostly because He wasn't doing what I expected Him to do. Most disappointment comes through false expectations. Not saying we can't expect things from God... but it has to be truthful.
So, in all the hiddenness, He taught me that this is the way we have faith. Who has faith in something that they can see and don't really need to believe in? Who has faith when there's a list of rights and wrongs (like the old testament...Deut. 30, and commandments) to live by? Who has faith when the object of that faith is walking with them in the garden? It didn't work before, and it doesn't work too well that way now. Would we have more faith if we saw more miracles, or is faith truly demonstrated in the times where it doesn't seem that the object of our faith won't come through for us? I don't know who said it, but this quote sums it up nicely: In the face of problems as they are, we see in Jesus Christ an exhibition of where our faith is to be placed - in a God whose ways we do not understand. I cry because I don't have a date on the weekends, and God says "have faith, I know what I'm doing." I get angry at him when I see injustice and God says "I know you don't understand it. Have faith." I become frustrated when I think that I am studying useless information and just want to be out DOING something and God says "Have faith while you're studying." And now it's Christmas, and I'm faced with days that I don't know how to fill. I know it will be good, but it's so unknown, and God says "Have faith. I'm with you always. Have faith regardless of what you are doing during the day. Believe me."
So where can I go? To place all your trust and faith in Someone who knows, who truly does understand me even to the deepest point where I don't understand myself, Someone who truly loves me, Someone who hides Himself so that we will be pleasing to Him, sounds so good, and yet crazy. But it's definitely a hopeful, joyful, peaceful, and loving place to be. I know I have alot more to learn in life, but I think this is one of my most favorite lessons that I have learned so far.
A few weeks ago I came to a point where I really questioned God. Happenings around me just weren't going "right": mental illnesses, extreme mood issues, hurting people, and my own self-pity all bundled up and made me think to ask God what the heck He was doing... or even if He existed at all. I thought back to all the things He has done in my life and questioned whether it was really Him all along. So, in my state of loneliness and sadness over circumstances in life, I outright told Him that He had better show me that He is real because nothing was making sense or providing any meaning in life. My passion just wasn't there because I started to not believe that God was there.
And then I started reading Job. Even in my time of unbelief, I was drawn to read a book I had only absent-mindedly slugged through before. But this time I could not stop reading it. I read the whole book in one week. I couldn't reading it with one of Job's friends talking because I knew they were wrong. And yet, as I read it, I saw how much I relate to problems in life like they did: God punishes those who are not faithful. Have faith, be right with God, and everything will be okay. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), it just isn't so. And Job knew it: "How can a man be in the right before God? If one wished to dispute with Him, he could not answer Him once in a thousand times" (9:2-3).
I read as Job and his friends tried to sort out why all this was happening to him, with knowledge of what was happening "behind the scenes" with God and Satan. There was so much more to the story than those men on earth knew. And at the end of Job, God reveals Himself and states that He is so much more powerful than they make Him to be: He is so much more wise, and so much more sovereign.
And then I started reading "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancy. I haven't read very far yet as I had to stop to concentrate on exams, but so far what I have learned through that book is essential to my wonderings and unbelief. God was hidden for me. He didn't "show up" (please note I put that in parentheses because He's already here). He did not give me clear guidelines on how to live so that I could be happy. He wasn't explaining to me why I felt hurt and lonely or what I should do to fix it. He allowed sick things to happen to people that I know. I guess you can say I was disappointed with God for many reasons... mostly because He wasn't doing what I expected Him to do. Most disappointment comes through false expectations. Not saying we can't expect things from God... but it has to be truthful.
So, in all the hiddenness, He taught me that this is the way we have faith. Who has faith in something that they can see and don't really need to believe in? Who has faith when there's a list of rights and wrongs (like the old testament...Deut. 30, and commandments) to live by? Who has faith when the object of that faith is walking with them in the garden? It didn't work before, and it doesn't work too well that way now. Would we have more faith if we saw more miracles, or is faith truly demonstrated in the times where it doesn't seem that the object of our faith won't come through for us? I don't know who said it, but this quote sums it up nicely: In the face of problems as they are, we see in Jesus Christ an exhibition of where our faith is to be placed - in a God whose ways we do not understand. I cry because I don't have a date on the weekends, and God says "have faith, I know what I'm doing." I get angry at him when I see injustice and God says "I know you don't understand it. Have faith." I become frustrated when I think that I am studying useless information and just want to be out DOING something and God says "Have faith while you're studying." And now it's Christmas, and I'm faced with days that I don't know how to fill. I know it will be good, but it's so unknown, and God says "Have faith. I'm with you always. Have faith regardless of what you are doing during the day. Believe me."
So where can I go? To place all your trust and faith in Someone who knows, who truly does understand me even to the deepest point where I don't understand myself, Someone who truly loves me, Someone who hides Himself so that we will be pleasing to Him, sounds so good, and yet crazy. But it's definitely a hopeful, joyful, peaceful, and loving place to be. I know I have alot more to learn in life, but I think this is one of my most favorite lessons that I have learned so far.
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