So much to write about I don't even know where to start. I must say I feel like I've learned a million and a half things this last year, but I'm not sure if I could coherently explain them all. Besides, that would take a long time, especially because I work at a very slow pace.
This last year has stretched me, made me laugh hundreds of times, and cry quite a bit as well. I'm at this place where I'm wondering what God is doing. I feel like I've been learning to trust Him over and over again, but never really quite completely get it. I'm still learning alot, and really have no idea what this summer or the next year is going to be like. Scary but exciting all at the same time, especially considering that God knows exactly what will happen, and will walk with me through it all.
I think I should re-name my blog to be something like "grown up, but still a child" or something.... I've grown up alot, have had to look at myself alot, and have had to often force myself to stop looking at myself. But, I have also thought about trusting God like a child, believing Him no matter what (Matthew 18:3-4: Jesus says "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven"). All this has encompassed many "toughs" and "easies" back to back like the buckets passing the carnie at the bottom of the ferris wheel... a ferris wheel that won't stop spinning. My conclusion of all this spinning: I don't like being on my own, feeling like I'm left on my own to figure it all out. I need someone... and God fits into there quite nicely, just as He intended from the beginning of time, and planned for me before I was even conceived.
I also don't think I've ever been so relaxed about other things in life this year. My roommates have taught me to go crazy sometimes.... to dance to Michael Jackson, to speculate about what other people's lives involve (like the interesting people who live around where I do right now), to not worry if something breaks, to laugh at the funny things that we say without meaning to:
Examples:
While madly and exhaustingly studying yesterday Kathryn says: "Will you wake me up at 5:30 if I close down and lay my eyes?"
Or Heidi's life goal of "moving to a jungle and meeting Tarzan"
Or my response to the noticable noise of the planes flying overhead: "They must have re-directed all the planes to fly over our house" when really, we just opened the windows and could hear them more clearly.
I've learned to laugh at myself and be less concerned with how people view me. If someone asked me who I am, I'm still not sure what I would answer. Actually, if I was to determine my "identity" I don't think I would continue growing nor be excited about life. However, I would accomplish what this world wants us to accomplish. BUT, I would rather have the mystery of having God change me day by day, to be more like Him, even if it is hard and I sometimes feel out of place.
And although this posting is getting a bit long, I want to say one more thing. I've been thinking (but at the same time I don't think I'm quite basing my life on this yet, but I know it's the best thing in the world) about people having goals and missions in life. Where is the drive in life? I've rarely spent my life completely on one purpose... to obtain one goal. It's more like wandering aimlessly doing useless things, usually navel gazing. But Paul admonishes us to fight the good fight, to finish the race, to run hard.
It makes me think of a song, which I will end with here:
The Boxer (by Sara Groves)
When you said this was a fight, you weren't kidding
When you said this was a fight, you weren't kidding, kidding
'Cause my ribs are bruised and it's just round two
When you said this was a fight, you weren't kidding
When you said this was a fight, you weren't kidding, kidding
'Cause there's a but on my eye and it's just round five
And I used to be quick I used to see it coming
I used to know how to move my feet
Now I can't duck and I can't land nothing
And I forgot how to bog and weave
Bob and weave
When you said this was a fight, you weren't kidding
When you said this was a fight, you weren't kidding, kidding
'Cause this room's in a spin and it's just round ten
If you care at all take that towel from your neck
Cause I've reached down deep and there is nothing left
I've got nothing....
I've got nothing....
And I was talking big
I was talking but now, now what
Greater is He who is in me
Greater is He who is in me......
And I can't just know it, I've got to feel it
And I can't just feel it, I've got to believe it
And I can't just believe it, I've got to live it
And I can't just live it...
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