Free Spirit

I think one of my favorite things is to crawl into a bed with clean sheets, in clean pjs, in a clean room. To have those three things happen all in the same day is quite rare, so I will enjoy it while I'm here.

Mmmm... life. Very enjoyable... very unstable from my view, but so incredibly designed by God's point of view. Nothing ever happens the way I expect it to. And I'm learning immense freedom in it. I worry alot less, and have discovered that when I stop worrying, and just enjoy, and be thankful for it, and turn to God and talk with Him about it, the randomness becomes an adventure and not a burden. And I have tons more patience.

I am learning to laugh at my preconceived notions of how life works and how daily activities should look. I laugh and shake my head at the sterility (not a word, but the picture is there in my head... dry, barren, light-gone-from-the-eyes... this is an extreme picture of what it's actually like) of such a life caught up in dos and don'ts and shoulds and should nots. My Uncle stated it well tonight... he said that when my Dad played hockey in Bible school, he said that the most uptight, dirty playing teams were the most conservative... because it takes SO much energy to uphold the theology of such conservativism (by that I mean very rules-based), and in a pressured environment, that pent-up energy (like a coiled spring) just releases in unedifying ways.

I think much of middle/upper class society thrives on this concept (e.g. professional practice, managing money, rigorously balancing our lives, dieting...), in which perhaps some people may be able to experience true freedom within (by within I mean in that setting, and in their hearts), but I sure cannot. Instead, it only binds me. I find relief in control to a certain extent (for example, having my clean sheets and clean pjs... but that's because it was complete chaos and very distracting before), but find fun, adventure, and growth in the (I once thought) unconceivable options of day-to-day life.

I must admit that most of this comes from being around Peter. He challenges me to the core, mostly because he acts nearly opposite to what the world expects of him. He is a free spirit, and no one can stop him from being that. And he has freedom in it... the freedom that God gives for us to live in.

While talking on the drive home last night, (warning: this is odd for me to talk about on here... but I dare to do it only because it will prove the point that I'm thinking about it) I told Peter that it's possible, and very likely that I may feel awkward when people "walk in" on us (please watch me blush here)... NOT because we're doing anything we shouldn't, and I know that. I know God is very present wherever we are...and yet I am caught up in what my "reputation" looks like. Which makes it all about me, and not about God... at one point when Peter and I were cuddling, I was not comfortable with it ("Is this something we should or shouldn't be doing" I was thinking), and so I prayed. When I told Peter that I wasn't comfortable, he asked me if I prayed about it. I said yes. Then he asked me what God said. I didn't have an answer. When I asked him if he was praying, he answered yes. I inquired as to what God said. Peter said "God says that He likes you"... and there I was, caught up in the shoulds and should-nots, the rules and measures and guidelines... when all God may have been saying to me was "Candice, I love Peter, and like him more than you do... treat him as loved by Me." I promise this is not me just conforming to whatever Peter says. My convictions are very much my own and I plan to claim what I know God tells me. But, look at how much freedom there is when I stop worrying about whether or not I'm pleasing God, and instead just act out of love for God! And truly love the people He loves! It makes everything SO much more beautiful, and the heart more peaceful and free.

I was scared to give up the reputation I have held for so long... and enjoyed... because I believe that, for a time, it was pleasing to God. They were acts of worship as it felt right in my heart to do... until it becomes something about the reputation, the image, making decisions and acting based on who people think I am instead of who God thinks I am. For instance, there is a running joke with my sister and bro-in-laws friends about me at parties. I've never been a drinker. Honestly, because it scared me to death, never mind that I didn't particularly like the taste of alcohol. So, about this time last year, I had a cold glass of milk while everyone else had their beers around the bonfire. And that reinforced the reputation of a pure, innocent little sister. And I still think that I was very much so in many ways, and that, for a time, it was pleasing to God.

This year, I told my sister about the hot air balloon ride I had just won at a silent auction... the rides with the champagne toast right after. She said "you don't have to drink the champagne you know." And yes, the joke of the milk came up. I had chai tea this time, which really looks like watered-down milk. Maybe I won't drink the champagne, maybe I will... I dont' know yet...I'll probably at least taste it... (and figure it out when I get there), but when I was bidding on it the whole thought of it was quite fun. And why not?! Is my reason simply to hold up my reputation, or am I doing it with love for God in mind? Does He give me the freedom to do it? Peter reminded me that Jesus was called a drunkard and glutton... not exactly the best reputation for a good "Christian" man. But there's so much freedom in it!

And with that freedom comes the ability to really love God, and show it by loving Him, not by trying to have the most together life for everyone to see. It's FAITH that people need to see, through love. Because that's truly the only way people will see God in us.

We need to take care with our liberty, but by no means limit it. Dance with praises to God in the streets!!!! Heck, dance in the Brethren church service... we're free to dance! (Please note, that I still say that with hesitance... there are some things so ingrained in me... and yet they're so ridiculous... I know they will eventually all be stripped away...) Sing, be loud, be quiet, be loving, be with people, be with God. Live to love God and to love others. I need to stop thinking about it, and do it so much more. That's where there's freedom to praise God, without feeling guilty or afraid...and where there's freedom to bless Him in reverence and love.

I have much to learn. I know alot of this in my head, and have yet to have it fully lived out... but I understand more and more what it means to love God with your heart, mind, soul and strength through the freedom (because of grace!) that He provides.