Fruit

I think this last week may have possibly been one of the worst in my life. It's humbling to blatently see and understand how much of a sinner you are - and to fight with it, or sit in that sin, and throw multiple pity parties for oneself. This is all still fresh in my mind as I still felt this way when I woke up this morning (after a very sleepless night of fighting over it).

At Bible study we're reading a book called "The Visit." It's fiction, but really pinpoints stuff in people's lives that we don't usually talk about. Last week it led into a discussion on the fruits of the Spirit. This week, we were supposed to look up verses and think about which one God wants to work on in our lives. So, I cracked it open this morning and.... this week has been the complete opposite of any fruit. It's been alot more of the fruit of the flesh.

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please...Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these...But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, faithfulness, gentlesness, self-control..." (Galatians 5:16-23).

Flesh: 8, Spirit: 0

Ouch.

No wonder this week was horrible. Look how much I was quenching the Spirit!
Now the issue over which I was struggling is something that may come up again, as it's something incredibly close to my heart, and sometimes awfully hard not to long for.

At church, the pastor (Jeremy) spoke on idolatry. Since that was one of my 8, it hit home very hard. He also spoke of idolatry (living for someone or something other than God) as ignoring the way out of temptation... I really think that Satan knows my weakness and hones in on it... my ability to dwell on, focus on, wish for, dream of, long for someone rather than God, as well as my vulnerability to feeling all alone. Jeremy used the analogy of two mountains. One is God and the opportunity to draw close to Him. The other is what I worship (spend my time thinking about, etc). The mountains have a ravine in between, which makes it even more impossible to climb both mountains at once. I was climbing the wrong mountain all week, and losing lots of sleep and energy over it. However, I have a choice. I can pick which mountain I will climb. As much as I may say "God, you choose and I'll just go with the flow," God is saying "PICK!" Sometimes I have no strength (or can't figure out the rationale) to pick, but that's where the promise comes in: "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

The one thing I can't figure out.... we're to flee from temptation. How does one flee one's own mind? It's all in there...I can't physically flee from thoughts that originate in my own mind. The only way I've thought of is to quote scripture right back at the devil. I thought of that around 2:30 last night, and found it hard to think of verses to quote. I guess I haven't been using them much lately. But Satan will learn that there's no point in tempting me with that thing as I boldly flee every time. I know I can't do it except by the strength of God!

And there's a warning that goes along with all of this: "let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12). I have come to the point multiple times this summer (God is so incredibly patient and gracious) where I'm standing on this issue (see my blog on steadfastness for example... still every bit as true). And then I leave it to my own strength to continue standing. But inevitably, when I'm not dependent on the Spirit, I fall. And when I fall, I fall hard. Unfortunately, this probably won't be the last time I fall, no matter how much of a committment I make to not falling in the future. And that's where humility comes in... to stay humble before God, knowing that I'm prone to fall all over again.

And as much as I still hope that something will happen with this person that I long for, today I will stand in the strength that God provides, and let His Spirit work in me to make fruit that is good, and praying that He will give me the strength I need to stand firm and steadfast, choose His mountain, and not fall in the future.