1/19/2008
12/09/2007
8/14/2007
When was the last time I wrote a blog? I don't even know... it feels like a past life for me. But now I have a few precious minutes and am sitting at a place where there's internet, basically killing some time. So here it is!
Hmm... apparently I have no current thoughts. Just a mumble-jumble of crazy mad rushings-around with many people. I'm always around people... so now living on my own for the next week feels very... lonely. Which is probably why I'm not even at home right now, although I'm sitting at my steady flame's empty house instead. Wherever I am, God is with me, and right here, I have a wee connection to the internet to write such a blog. And here comes someone to be a friend.
Sometimes it's nice to just have a calm moment... I'm not completely by myself because anyone could walk in at any time and Curtis is meandering around... but it's still, and quiet... and a comfortable place to be. I think about how different my life is from the summer to school time... like red and green almost. Although both may be green because I'm on the go all the time. But they're still mostly opposites. Summer is running from one thing to the next... school will be much more uniform I think. I won't be able to spend so much time with people. And that's a sad thought for me, but I am excited to go back as well. Only a couple more days of work, a week and a half at camp... and then school starts up again!
And it's neat to learn about God in a different setting. I've been so used to getting up in the morning and spending some time with God and then going through my day. There have been many times where I've walked with God throughout the day in the past, and it's been a re-learned concept over the summer. Not completely re-learned yet, but perhaps in the near future. There's something about focusing your mind and heart on Jesus every moment, and doing everything by God's grace and because I love Him that just makes the day beautiful and worriless! And I'm positive that this way of living is what He meant by giving us an "abundant" life. It truly is abundant!
And I must now give up the internet and search out some food. Not having a scheduled day makes things interesting... I never know where supper is coming from when I start my day.
Hmm... apparently I have no current thoughts. Just a mumble-jumble of crazy mad rushings-around with many people. I'm always around people... so now living on my own for the next week feels very... lonely. Which is probably why I'm not even at home right now, although I'm sitting at my steady flame's empty house instead. Wherever I am, God is with me, and right here, I have a wee connection to the internet to write such a blog. And here comes someone to be a friend.
Sometimes it's nice to just have a calm moment... I'm not completely by myself because anyone could walk in at any time and Curtis is meandering around... but it's still, and quiet... and a comfortable place to be. I think about how different my life is from the summer to school time... like red and green almost. Although both may be green because I'm on the go all the time. But they're still mostly opposites. Summer is running from one thing to the next... school will be much more uniform I think. I won't be able to spend so much time with people. And that's a sad thought for me, but I am excited to go back as well. Only a couple more days of work, a week and a half at camp... and then school starts up again!
And it's neat to learn about God in a different setting. I've been so used to getting up in the morning and spending some time with God and then going through my day. There have been many times where I've walked with God throughout the day in the past, and it's been a re-learned concept over the summer. Not completely re-learned yet, but perhaps in the near future. There's something about focusing your mind and heart on Jesus every moment, and doing everything by God's grace and because I love Him that just makes the day beautiful and worriless! And I'm positive that this way of living is what He meant by giving us an "abundant" life. It truly is abundant!
And I must now give up the internet and search out some food. Not having a scheduled day makes things interesting... I never know where supper is coming from when I start my day.
6/23/2007
Free Spirit
I think one of my favorite things is to crawl into a bed with clean sheets, in clean pjs, in a clean room. To have those three things happen all in the same day is quite rare, so I will enjoy it while I'm here.
Mmmm... life. Very enjoyable... very unstable from my view, but so incredibly designed by God's point of view. Nothing ever happens the way I expect it to. And I'm learning immense freedom in it. I worry alot less, and have discovered that when I stop worrying, and just enjoy, and be thankful for it, and turn to God and talk with Him about it, the randomness becomes an adventure and not a burden. And I have tons more patience.
I am learning to laugh at my preconceived notions of how life works and how daily activities should look. I laugh and shake my head at the sterility (not a word, but the picture is there in my head... dry, barren, light-gone-from-the-eyes... this is an extreme picture of what it's actually like) of such a life caught up in dos and don'ts and shoulds and should nots. My Uncle stated it well tonight... he said that when my Dad played hockey in Bible school, he said that the most uptight, dirty playing teams were the most conservative... because it takes SO much energy to uphold the theology of such conservativism (by that I mean very rules-based), and in a pressured environment, that pent-up energy (like a coiled spring) just releases in unedifying ways.
I think much of middle/upper class society thrives on this concept (e.g. professional practice, managing money, rigorously balancing our lives, dieting...), in which perhaps some people may be able to experience true freedom within (by within I mean in that setting, and in their hearts), but I sure cannot. Instead, it only binds me. I find relief in control to a certain extent (for example, having my clean sheets and clean pjs... but that's because it was complete chaos and very distracting before), but find fun, adventure, and growth in the (I once thought) unconceivable options of day-to-day life.
I must admit that most of this comes from being around Peter. He challenges me to the core, mostly because he acts nearly opposite to what the world expects of him. He is a free spirit, and no one can stop him from being that. And he has freedom in it... the freedom that God gives for us to live in.
While talking on the drive home last night, (warning: this is odd for me to talk about on here... but I dare to do it only because it will prove the point that I'm thinking about it) I told Peter that it's possible, and very likely that I may feel awkward when people "walk in" on us (please watch me blush here)... NOT because we're doing anything we shouldn't, and I know that. I know God is very present wherever we are...and yet I am caught up in what my "reputation" looks like. Which makes it all about me, and not about God... at one point when Peter and I were cuddling, I was not comfortable with it ("Is this something we should or shouldn't be doing" I was thinking), and so I prayed. When I told Peter that I wasn't comfortable, he asked me if I prayed about it. I said yes. Then he asked me what God said. I didn't have an answer. When I asked him if he was praying, he answered yes. I inquired as to what God said. Peter said "God says that He likes you"... and there I was, caught up in the shoulds and should-nots, the rules and measures and guidelines... when all God may have been saying to me was "Candice, I love Peter, and like him more than you do... treat him as loved by Me." I promise this is not me just conforming to whatever Peter says. My convictions are very much my own and I plan to claim what I know God tells me. But, look at how much freedom there is when I stop worrying about whether or not I'm pleasing God, and instead just act out of love for God! And truly love the people He loves! It makes everything SO much more beautiful, and the heart more peaceful and free.
I was scared to give up the reputation I have held for so long... and enjoyed... because I believe that, for a time, it was pleasing to God. They were acts of worship as it felt right in my heart to do... until it becomes something about the reputation, the image, making decisions and acting based on who people think I am instead of who God thinks I am. For instance, there is a running joke with my sister and bro-in-laws friends about me at parties. I've never been a drinker. Honestly, because it scared me to death, never mind that I didn't particularly like the taste of alcohol. So, about this time last year, I had a cold glass of milk while everyone else had their beers around the bonfire. And that reinforced the reputation of a pure, innocent little sister. And I still think that I was very much so in many ways, and that, for a time, it was pleasing to God.
This year, I told my sister about the hot air balloon ride I had just won at a silent auction... the rides with the champagne toast right after. She said "you don't have to drink the champagne you know." And yes, the joke of the milk came up. I had chai tea this time, which really looks like watered-down milk. Maybe I won't drink the champagne, maybe I will... I dont' know yet...I'll probably at least taste it... (and figure it out when I get there), but when I was bidding on it the whole thought of it was quite fun. And why not?! Is my reason simply to hold up my reputation, or am I doing it with love for God in mind? Does He give me the freedom to do it? Peter reminded me that Jesus was called a drunkard and glutton... not exactly the best reputation for a good "Christian" man. But there's so much freedom in it!
And with that freedom comes the ability to really love God, and show it by loving Him, not by trying to have the most together life for everyone to see. It's FAITH that people need to see, through love. Because that's truly the only way people will see God in us.
We need to take care with our liberty, but by no means limit it. Dance with praises to God in the streets!!!! Heck, dance in the Brethren church service... we're free to dance! (Please note, that I still say that with hesitance... there are some things so ingrained in me... and yet they're so ridiculous... I know they will eventually all be stripped away...) Sing, be loud, be quiet, be loving, be with people, be with God. Live to love God and to love others. I need to stop thinking about it, and do it so much more. That's where there's freedom to praise God, without feeling guilty or afraid...and where there's freedom to bless Him in reverence and love.
I have much to learn. I know alot of this in my head, and have yet to have it fully lived out... but I understand more and more what it means to love God with your heart, mind, soul and strength through the freedom (because of grace!) that He provides.
Mmmm... life. Very enjoyable... very unstable from my view, but so incredibly designed by God's point of view. Nothing ever happens the way I expect it to. And I'm learning immense freedom in it. I worry alot less, and have discovered that when I stop worrying, and just enjoy, and be thankful for it, and turn to God and talk with Him about it, the randomness becomes an adventure and not a burden. And I have tons more patience.
I am learning to laugh at my preconceived notions of how life works and how daily activities should look. I laugh and shake my head at the sterility (not a word, but the picture is there in my head... dry, barren, light-gone-from-the-eyes... this is an extreme picture of what it's actually like) of such a life caught up in dos and don'ts and shoulds and should nots. My Uncle stated it well tonight... he said that when my Dad played hockey in Bible school, he said that the most uptight, dirty playing teams were the most conservative... because it takes SO much energy to uphold the theology of such conservativism (by that I mean very rules-based), and in a pressured environment, that pent-up energy (like a coiled spring) just releases in unedifying ways.
I think much of middle/upper class society thrives on this concept (e.g. professional practice, managing money, rigorously balancing our lives, dieting...), in which perhaps some people may be able to experience true freedom within (by within I mean in that setting, and in their hearts), but I sure cannot. Instead, it only binds me. I find relief in control to a certain extent (for example, having my clean sheets and clean pjs... but that's because it was complete chaos and very distracting before), but find fun, adventure, and growth in the (I once thought) unconceivable options of day-to-day life.I must admit that most of this comes from being around Peter. He challenges me to the core, mostly because he acts nearly opposite to what the world expects of him. He is a free spirit, and no one can stop him from being that. And he has freedom in it... the freedom that God gives for us to live in.
I was scared to give up the reputation I have held for so long... and enjoyed... because I believe that, for a time, it was pleasing to God. They were acts of worship as it felt right in my heart to do... until it becomes something about the reputation, the image, making decisions and acting based on who people think I am instead of who God thinks I am. For instance, there is a running joke with my sister and bro-in-laws friends about me at parties. I've never been a drinker. Honestly, because it scared me to death, never mind that I didn't particularly like the taste of alcohol. So, about this time last year, I had a cold glass of milk while everyone else had their beers around the bonfire. And that reinforced the reputation of a pure, innocent little sister. And I still think that I was very much so in many ways, and that, for a time, it was pleasing to God.
This year, I told my sister about the hot air balloon ride I had just won at a silent auction... the rides with the champagne toast right after. She said "you don't have to drink the champagne you know." And yes, the joke of the milk came up. I had chai tea this time, which really looks like watered-down milk. Maybe I won't drink the champagne, maybe I will... I dont' know yet...I'll probably at least taste it... (and figure it out when I get there), but when I was bidding on it the whole thought of it was quite fun. And why not?! Is my reason simply to hold up my reputation, or am I doing it with love for God in mind? Does He give me the freedom to do it? Peter reminded me that Jesus was called a drunkard and glutton... not exactly the best reputation for a good "Christian" man. But there's so much freedom in it!
And with that freedom comes the ability to really love God, and show it by loving Him, not by trying to have the most together life for everyone to see. It's FAITH that people need to see, through love. Because that's truly the only way people will see God in us.
We need to take care with our liberty, but by no means limit it. Dance with praises to God in the streets!!!! Heck, dance in the Brethren church service... we're free to dance! (Please note, that I still say that with hesitance... there are some things so ingrained in me... and yet they're so ridiculous... I know they will eventually all be stripped away...) Sing, be loud, be quiet, be loving, be with people, be with God. Live to love God and to love others. I need to stop thinking about it, and do it so much more. That's where there's freedom to praise God, without feeling guilty or afraid...and where there's freedom to bless Him in reverence and love.I have much to learn. I know alot of this in my head, and have yet to have it fully lived out... but I understand more and more what it means to love God with your heart, mind, soul and strength through the freedom (because of grace!) that He provides.
5/03/2007
I Earned The T-Shirt!
I have officially worked more than one day framing houses with Peter and therefore have earned the Monarch Framing T-shirt. I felt a little out of the loop since everyone he knows has one. And I didn't want to settle for the "I'm a girlfriend of a Monarch framer" t-shirt. Especially since those don't exist yet anyway.
I don't think my body has ever been worked so hard in my life. I'm beginning to realize how uncoordinated and unconditioned by body really is. My legs are almost one big bruise, and the other day it was hard to lift anything above shoulder height... and then Peter gave me the job of putting windows in... requiring me to hammer nails (uh... work with me coordination!!!) above my head (go shoulder muscles! You can do it!). It's incredibly weird to be able to apply what I learned this last semester to my body right now... I can name all the muscles that are sore (including the tibialis anterior and peroneous muscles in my legs from lifting my feet covered in inches of thick clay mud) and tell you why they're sore, as well as realizing that my arm muscles reached their maximal aerobic capacity bombing 4 by 7 feet sheets of plywood from the ground outside to the second story of the house. I took today off because I was so exhausted and my ankle hurt from falling off a ladder. I iced my ankle, and slept in until 1:00. Thankfully, I have not shot myself with the nail gun yet. But I still have another week to go... If I make it. On top of the physical is the emotional... and the feelings of inadequacy and discouragement as I can't figure out how to do tasks, or because it takes me at least three times longer than anyone else to get an otherwise simple job done. Thankfully the people I work with are friends, and are Christians, and are good encouragers... or they just laugh at me, making me realize that it's really not a big deal. I've cried a little, but I'm sure it could have been much much much worse! And I've learned some sweet skills... chalk line skills, skill saw skills, staple gun skills, tape measure skills, carrying plywood and other large heavy objects skills...
But with all the time taken to be a baby-framer (or a "new guy" as I'm called), I have inadvertently neglected spending quality time with God. I think God has used the people I've been around to hold me up pretty good, even though they may not even realize it. Without one of the guys I worked with the other day singing a song about Jesus as he searched for a 2 by 6, and without knowing the perspective that Peter and many of his friends bring to life and work, I probably would have quit the first day. It's really neat to see the difference knowing God makes in people's lives... especially in the trades (I would say it's very beautiful, but that might sound weird since they're mostly guys out there). And I know that God can hold me up all on His own even when my mind is not really focused on Him. He quite often does things like that- working in my life and probably even through my life- without me even knowing about it. I was reading in Colossians today about two things: 1) setting my mind on things above and 2) doing everything in my day in the name of Jesus and giving thanks through it all. As much as problem solving and planning how I'm going to go about doing a task takes up so much of my brain power and energy, I hope that through it all my mindset and actions will be pleasing to God, and that I will be thankful while going about all of it. That should take care of my reactions to swear, to complain, to cry, and to be stuck in discouragement. After all, wood being fashioned into a house is only an earthly thing in and of itself.
I don't think my body has ever been worked so hard in my life. I'm beginning to realize how uncoordinated and unconditioned by body really is. My legs are almost one big bruise, and the other day it was hard to lift anything above shoulder height... and then Peter gave me the job of putting windows in... requiring me to hammer nails (uh... work with me coordination!!!) above my head (go shoulder muscles! You can do it!). It's incredibly weird to be able to apply what I learned this last semester to my body right now... I can name all the muscles that are sore (including the tibialis anterior and peroneous muscles in my legs from lifting my feet covered in inches of thick clay mud) and tell you why they're sore, as well as realizing that my arm muscles reached their maximal aerobic capacity bombing 4 by 7 feet sheets of plywood from the ground outside to the second story of the house. I took today off because I was so exhausted and my ankle hurt from falling off a ladder. I iced my ankle, and slept in until 1:00. Thankfully, I have not shot myself with the nail gun yet. But I still have another week to go... If I make it. On top of the physical is the emotional... and the feelings of inadequacy and discouragement as I can't figure out how to do tasks, or because it takes me at least three times longer than anyone else to get an otherwise simple job done. Thankfully the people I work with are friends, and are Christians, and are good encouragers... or they just laugh at me, making me realize that it's really not a big deal. I've cried a little, but I'm sure it could have been much much much worse! And I've learned some sweet skills... chalk line skills, skill saw skills, staple gun skills, tape measure skills, carrying plywood and other large heavy objects skills...
But with all the time taken to be a baby-framer (or a "new guy" as I'm called), I have inadvertently neglected spending quality time with God. I think God has used the people I've been around to hold me up pretty good, even though they may not even realize it. Without one of the guys I worked with the other day singing a song about Jesus as he searched for a 2 by 6, and without knowing the perspective that Peter and many of his friends bring to life and work, I probably would have quit the first day. It's really neat to see the difference knowing God makes in people's lives... especially in the trades (I would say it's very beautiful, but that might sound weird since they're mostly guys out there). And I know that God can hold me up all on His own even when my mind is not really focused on Him. He quite often does things like that- working in my life and probably even through my life- without me even knowing about it. I was reading in Colossians today about two things: 1) setting my mind on things above and 2) doing everything in my day in the name of Jesus and giving thanks through it all. As much as problem solving and planning how I'm going to go about doing a task takes up so much of my brain power and energy, I hope that through it all my mindset and actions will be pleasing to God, and that I will be thankful while going about all of it. That should take care of my reactions to swear, to complain, to cry, and to be stuck in discouragement. After all, wood being fashioned into a house is only an earthly thing in and of itself.
I've heard the first week is the hardest... we'll see what next week has in store! Pray that it won't rain... I'm learning to despise mud on my boots. Lack of coordination + extra mud distributed unevenly across the bottom of my foot + slippery wood surfaces = something potentially disasterous.
4/19/2007
Thursday
First off, I don't know about the rest of you students out there, but I feel like my brain is almost fried. But it seems like the more I work at studying and learning, the more I want to do it and am driven to do it. Weird. The feeling can only last so long... until next week when I'm done exams and can focus on other things...
Secondly, a friend told me a few weeks ago that concentrating and attending to studying takes the same energy and drive as prayer... I'm sure it must be true. The clear-mindedness and focus needed to study sounds like it fits into praying. It seems like praying that hard is more worthwhile than studying that hard, and yet here I am, studying away... albeit with a few more prayers thrown in.
Finally, in the midst of learning about deformities of the hand, burns, and energy conservation, as well as pondering many other fun events and complexities in life, a simple song sweetly snuck into my ears and mind:
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
Give me Jesus
Just Jesus. School, studying, friends, relationships, everything, as good and as sweet as they may be, can never lastingly surpass Jesus and everything He is to me. Weirdly, experiencing that thought made concentrating on school work a whole lot easier. I'm not doing this for me, or for this world alone.
And since I don't think I know much of anything for my exam tomorrow...
Secondly, a friend told me a few weeks ago that concentrating and attending to studying takes the same energy and drive as prayer... I'm sure it must be true. The clear-mindedness and focus needed to study sounds like it fits into praying. It seems like praying that hard is more worthwhile than studying that hard, and yet here I am, studying away... albeit with a few more prayers thrown in.
Finally, in the midst of learning about deformities of the hand, burns, and energy conservation, as well as pondering many other fun events and complexities in life, a simple song sweetly snuck into my ears and mind:
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
Give me Jesus
Just Jesus. School, studying, friends, relationships, everything, as good and as sweet as they may be, can never lastingly surpass Jesus and everything He is to me. Weirdly, experiencing that thought made concentrating on school work a whole lot easier. I'm not doing this for me, or for this world alone.
And since I don't think I know much of anything for my exam tomorrow...
4/10/2007
This time of year...
Sometimes during exams, when I really should be studying, I get distracted by my computer. Actually, I could probably get distracted with just about anything. My brain seems to think that once I study for a good 6 or so hours, it can just shut down for the next week regardless of what else I "should" be doing. I studied 6 hours yesterday. I think I've been deconditioned to studying this last semester. I hardly seem to know what the word actually entails. The crazy thing is, I'm technically studying for an exam that is still a year away. Everything I'm committing to memory, and really, committing to be a part of my future vocational skills (SCARY), will be pulled out in a year on my certification exam. This stuff could make or break a person's life. Yikes. Definitely makes these little finals feel unimportant and yet a very valuable experience.I found out where my next fieldwork placement will be... In Edmonton! I'm pretty excited about that... it means I get to maintain my habits (aka Peter) for the next few months. After that, who knows where I'll be, so I'll keep you posted.
Life has been quite the whirlwind, and it's most definitely been fun! Although I sometimes feel like I need to "just get through" the next few weeks of exams, I know I get to enjoy the adventures throughout... enjoy my roommates, enjoy my friends, enjoy my steady flame, enjoy activities I'm involved in, enjoy trips here and there... life is full, and it is also good...very good. God has been steadily pouring blessings on me... gifts of grace all around.
And, back to studying...
3/31/2007
Peter
Here I am, sitting in Karin's living room in...Vancouver. Curled up in a down sleeping bag, jazz music playing in the background. Technically I should be studying. In reality I should be studying. But since I've met Peter, "should be's" often go down the drain. I still know it must be done, but there's a whole new twist to life that I'm finding quite refreshing. The twist often makes the madness inside of me be at rest, and makes me enjoy life more and more. And that's why I'm in Vancouver, visiting Peter's sister Karin (she's delightful, and reminds me of a fairy) and some other Vancouver friends. It seems rather funny to me that all my friends here know about Peter, but so many of my friends in other places don't yet. When Ashley Star commented on my blog and added a "P.S. Who is Peter?" I figured it must be time to write about him.
It's taken me a little bit to write about Peter, mostly because I was a) crazy busy balancing Peter and school, and b) I wasn't sure how to write about him without my friends being concerned that it's happened so fast.
So, before I continue, let me reassure you all that both of my roommates approve, and I really think it's been God setting it up all along. Where it's going to go in the future.... I don't have a clue. But God knows, and I can trust Him with it right now, and walk where He says to go. Which is a good reminder at this moment sitting in the apartment by myself, given a wee chance to ponder.
Peter is my steady flame. And since that began, life has been quite the adventure. Adventure just follows him, or meets him, or he just saunters right into it. There is never a dull moment, and if one comes along, it doesn't last very long. From shooting himself in the toe with a nail gun (he's a framer, this subsequently enabled us to go on our first date as he didn't have to work for a few days), to having random street people walk into his house in the middle of the night and placing a hot water bottle on his back while he sleeps, to wearing a suit almost all the time to "find [himself] a wife" he's probably the craziest, most fun person I've ever met. He always has a twinkle in his eye and loves to laugh. He's also incredibly capable of having an incredible, serious conversation, although often with a few light-hearted comments or random questions thrown in. When I asked his roommate if he could describe Peter in two sentences, he said he couldn't. He went on to say "there's nothing normal about him." And that's probably why I'm in Vancouver instead of stressing at home over finals.
And don't worry, before we started hanging out he really wasn't in the business of finding himself a wife. And still isn't... he's definitely and noticably trusting God with it all.
And, he loves God ALOT... prerequisite for me dating anyone. I love the way he looks at faith, and has faith, and actively lives it out. Sometimes it throws me off guard... in a very good way. Who he is and the way he looks at life often makes me realize, or re-think how I relate to things in life. Not that I change the way I think for the sake of wanting him to like me at all. It's just that we think in so much the same way... he reinforces the thoughts that I have and inherently encourages me to follow God closer, seeking Him to guide me, and resting... trusting... not worrying... about otherwise trivial things on this earth.
Both of us often think that our relationship feels surreal... it seems like it randomly came out of nowhere and is SO good. We seem to fit awfully well, and it feels odd to not struggle to make things fit. I know people may say I'm just in the "stars in the eyes" stage, but honestly, I've never met anyone who I fit so well with. I anticipate differences at some point in life, but am excited at the prospect of walking beside someone with our lives undistracted by differences between us, so completely enthralled and focused on God, loving Him as we go along.
So, I walk in this with open hands, with freedom inside me, knowing that it is God who gives and God who takes away, knowing that God has incredibly good plans (no matter what those plans entail) and I get to walk in them, knowing that I can completely trust God with all of it, and knowing that He will continuously whisper to both of us "this is the way, walk in it." Neither of us knows what tomorrow will look like, definitely not trusting our own understanding because so much of this doesn't make sense, but we're both listening and wanting to follow God in it all.
I think there are tons more adventures to unfold...
3/13/2007
Covered With Dust
Well, I must say I'm pretty darn excited about life right now for so many reasons. It feels almost odd to me to feel so incredibly blessed, but I'm thankful!
And, there have been some things I've been learning and re-learning that excite me. Mostly, it's been through Bible study. We're reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell right now, and the last few sessions have been marvelous. I wanted to write down one of the ideas, mostly so that I come back to it and remember. Really, it's how life should be lived. More-or-less, it's a spin on following Jesus that I have never heard before, but makes complete sense in my mind.
This is how it goes (ha- good thing I read this over before I posted... I continually misspelled "rabbi" as "rabbit"):
Religion was the center focus of a Jewish child's life. They started going to school around 6 years old and was taught by the local rabbi. They memorized the first 5 books of the old testament. Everyone knew the Bible... Jesus could quote things and everyone knew what He was talking about. Students that did well in these first 4 years would go on to memorize the rest of the old testament, and study the oral tradition around it. The others would learn the family trade. At 14 or 15 years, those remaining in school would apply to become a disciple of a rabbi. This was more than being a student: the goal "wasn't just to know what the rabbi knew, but to be just like the rabbi." They would ask: "Rabbi, I want to follow you."
At this point, the rabbi would question the student about everything he had learned, finding out if this kid had what it took to do what he does - if he would ultimately be able to do what the rabbi did. If the rabbi thought the kid had what it takes, he would say "Come, follow me."
The student would leave his home, his dad and mom, his village, his friends, and devote his entire life to learning how to do what the rabbi did. He gave up his whole life to be just like his rabbi. He would follow his rabbi everywhere, and "cover [himself] with the dust of [his rabbi's] feet."
Peter and Andrew were fishermen. They didn't have what it took to continue following a rabbi; they were working in the family trade. And then Jesus calls them to follow Him. A rabbi told them that they can be like Him. If a rabbi calls you to be his disciple, then he believes you can actually be like him. When the disciples lose faith, Jesus said "You did not choose me, but I chose you."
Jesus sees us as capable. AND He gives us the ability to do it... to be like Him. He's the one who makes us like Him. And He has confidence that we can become like Him.
I never really got the point that God chose me... I would say to Him "God, it must be true because it's in the Bible, but it doesn't make sense to me... I'm the one who has decided to follow You, I'm the one who came to You for forgiveness..." But, in reality, He's the one who chose me... a simple little human being... He said "come, follow Me" and that means that He knows that I can become like Him. That makes following Him so much more beautiful and exciting. And worthwhile.
And, there have been some things I've been learning and re-learning that excite me. Mostly, it's been through Bible study. We're reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell right now, and the last few sessions have been marvelous. I wanted to write down one of the ideas, mostly so that I come back to it and remember. Really, it's how life should be lived. More-or-less, it's a spin on following Jesus that I have never heard before, but makes complete sense in my mind.
This is how it goes (ha- good thing I read this over before I posted... I continually misspelled "rabbi" as "rabbit"):
Religion was the center focus of a Jewish child's life. They started going to school around 6 years old and was taught by the local rabbi. They memorized the first 5 books of the old testament. Everyone knew the Bible... Jesus could quote things and everyone knew what He was talking about. Students that did well in these first 4 years would go on to memorize the rest of the old testament, and study the oral tradition around it. The others would learn the family trade. At 14 or 15 years, those remaining in school would apply to become a disciple of a rabbi. This was more than being a student: the goal "wasn't just to know what the rabbi knew, but to be just like the rabbi." They would ask: "Rabbi, I want to follow you."
At this point, the rabbi would question the student about everything he had learned, finding out if this kid had what it took to do what he does - if he would ultimately be able to do what the rabbi did. If the rabbi thought the kid had what it takes, he would say "Come, follow me."
The student would leave his home, his dad and mom, his village, his friends, and devote his entire life to learning how to do what the rabbi did. He gave up his whole life to be just like his rabbi. He would follow his rabbi everywhere, and "cover [himself] with the dust of [his rabbi's] feet."
Peter and Andrew were fishermen. They didn't have what it took to continue following a rabbi; they were working in the family trade. And then Jesus calls them to follow Him. A rabbi told them that they can be like Him. If a rabbi calls you to be his disciple, then he believes you can actually be like him. When the disciples lose faith, Jesus said "You did not choose me, but I chose you."
Jesus sees us as capable. AND He gives us the ability to do it... to be like Him. He's the one who makes us like Him. And He has confidence that we can become like Him.
I never really got the point that God chose me... I would say to Him "God, it must be true because it's in the Bible, but it doesn't make sense to me... I'm the one who has decided to follow You, I'm the one who came to You for forgiveness..." But, in reality, He's the one who chose me... a simple little human being... He said "come, follow Me" and that means that He knows that I can become like Him. That makes following Him so much more beautiful and exciting. And worthwhile.
2/24/2007
Good Day
I went to Missions Fest today. I intended to be there for only a short little while so I could get back home to do homework, but one of these days I will actually act on the realization that it takes me forever to do anything. This is especially true when it comes to running into so many people that I know and want to catch up with. At almost every booth I stopped at, I either knew the presenter or the presenters knew someone that I know. Same with random people I came across. Needless to say, I did a lot of visiting! There's never enough time to truly catch up though...in any circumstance.
This year I went to Missions Fest with a purpose: to find out the role of OT in missions as well as find out what organizations had openings for OTs. Surprisingly, there was quite a bit. So now the question is: am I going to do this, Lord? And if so, where? It's kind of exciting to me to be thinking about this because I sort of put it on the back-log for so long. It never seemed like it could possibly be reality. And now it's completely possible!
And the afternoon wasn't just about meeting people and finding out information. Two presenters stopped and offered to pray for me, and then proceeded to pray for things that were really pertinent to me. That was a blessing! And a good reminder to not stop praying for people around me.
This year I went to Missions Fest with a purpose: to find out the role of OT in missions as well as find out what organizations had openings for OTs. Surprisingly, there was quite a bit. So now the question is: am I going to do this, Lord? And if so, where? It's kind of exciting to me to be thinking about this because I sort of put it on the back-log for so long. It never seemed like it could possibly be reality. And now it's completely possible!
And the afternoon wasn't just about meeting people and finding out information. Two presenters stopped and offered to pray for me, and then proceeded to pray for things that were really pertinent to me. That was a blessing! And a good reminder to not stop praying for people around me.
There was also a huge contrast that stuck out to me. There's such a stark difference between that atmosphere and others I see in or around my life. There was so much blessing, so much love, and so much purpose. I don't mean this in a sappy, nostalgic non-thinking way at all, but in an absolutely truthful way... It was beautiful! Being there was like being in light...
2/10/2007
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
What to write...what to write...
Initially I was going to write about how crappy my day was. It was one of those days where nothing seems to go the way I'd like it to. And then I read some people's blogs, and it put perspective on today... they mostly had underlying themes of anticipation and adventure. And those things make me feel like my eyes are sparkling. And Heidi just made me some hot chocolate, which makes me feel a little better too.
Apparently she's a little bored... sitting across the table from me...all she said is "play with me!" I love my roommates! Unfortunately, I'm going to sit here and write and she'll have to fend for herself. She says I should write about purple elephants and grilled cheese sandwiches (which, I have been eating alot of lately... I sure do enjoy them!).
Mostly what I've been thinking about lately is what it means to live to glorify God, and what it means to live without fear.
First off, I'm a terrible failure in living to glorify God. There's something about my mouth that gets me into trouble, and says more than I ought... and I don't think that's always glorifying to God. Which means that maybe my heart isn't in that place either... for out of the heart the mouth speaks. But I WANT to so much. I want people to see Christ when they look at my life. There's a part of me that often wants the credit, but I realized the other day that it's so completely pointless to have the credit when it's God who is at work in me, to make me someone that people see Him through. And I've concluded that it comes down to abiding in Christ... to be so singularily focused on Him in everything I do, and aim to have what I think, say, or do be pleasing to Him because I am already thinking about Him. These are my thoughts as I wake up in the morning, and when I go to bed at night. I suppose if I could do that all the time there wouldn't be as much evidence for grace. Not that I do it so that grace can abound more (sound familiar?), but that's just the way it happens. Thank God for grace, and that He brings us through things to transform us more and more so that He will be glorified!
And about fear... it's been a topic of conversation with my friends alot. One of the pastor's taught about it last week: fear of death, fear of people, and fearing God. Fearing God fits nicely in my mind to what I said above about glorifying God. It's completely a lifestyle... not being afraid of God, but living each moment in reverence because of who He is. The other two fears involve being afraid. And as much as I understand and believe what the pastor said about both, I have a hard time understanding it in light of people I know, and will be working with in my job in the future, who are truly afraid of things around them. I completely believe that God can take these fears away, and can instill faith in people through such fears. He is our Rock, our Fortress, our Deliverer, our Confidence. The Bible says so! But I wonder why it's so hard for some people to overcome fears. It seems to be something so ingrained in a person that a) they are unwilling to give it up because it's so much a part of them, or b) it's something that can't be given up. We all have them in some shape or form, some more noticeable than others... but they seem to be so paralyzing sometimes. My personal and occupational therapist's mind says that this is not good... to not be able to engage in things because you're afraid. And I see so much freedom in living and experiencing all of life without them.
And I've ran out of time for tonight...let me know what you think....
Initially I was going to write about how crappy my day was. It was one of those days where nothing seems to go the way I'd like it to. And then I read some people's blogs, and it put perspective on today... they mostly had underlying themes of anticipation and adventure. And those things make me feel like my eyes are sparkling. And Heidi just made me some hot chocolate, which makes me feel a little better too.
Apparently she's a little bored... sitting across the table from me...all she said is "play with me!" I love my roommates! Unfortunately, I'm going to sit here and write and she'll have to fend for herself. She says I should write about purple elephants and grilled cheese sandwiches (which, I have been eating alot of lately... I sure do enjoy them!).
Mostly what I've been thinking about lately is what it means to live to glorify God, and what it means to live without fear.
First off, I'm a terrible failure in living to glorify God. There's something about my mouth that gets me into trouble, and says more than I ought... and I don't think that's always glorifying to God. Which means that maybe my heart isn't in that place either... for out of the heart the mouth speaks. But I WANT to so much. I want people to see Christ when they look at my life. There's a part of me that often wants the credit, but I realized the other day that it's so completely pointless to have the credit when it's God who is at work in me, to make me someone that people see Him through. And I've concluded that it comes down to abiding in Christ... to be so singularily focused on Him in everything I do, and aim to have what I think, say, or do be pleasing to Him because I am already thinking about Him. These are my thoughts as I wake up in the morning, and when I go to bed at night. I suppose if I could do that all the time there wouldn't be as much evidence for grace. Not that I do it so that grace can abound more (sound familiar?), but that's just the way it happens. Thank God for grace, and that He brings us through things to transform us more and more so that He will be glorified!
And about fear... it's been a topic of conversation with my friends alot. One of the pastor's taught about it last week: fear of death, fear of people, and fearing God. Fearing God fits nicely in my mind to what I said above about glorifying God. It's completely a lifestyle... not being afraid of God, but living each moment in reverence because of who He is. The other two fears involve being afraid. And as much as I understand and believe what the pastor said about both, I have a hard time understanding it in light of people I know, and will be working with in my job in the future, who are truly afraid of things around them. I completely believe that God can take these fears away, and can instill faith in people through such fears. He is our Rock, our Fortress, our Deliverer, our Confidence. The Bible says so! But I wonder why it's so hard for some people to overcome fears. It seems to be something so ingrained in a person that a) they are unwilling to give it up because it's so much a part of them, or b) it's something that can't be given up. We all have them in some shape or form, some more noticeable than others... but they seem to be so paralyzing sometimes. My personal and occupational therapist's mind says that this is not good... to not be able to engage in things because you're afraid. And I see so much freedom in living and experiencing all of life without them.
And I've ran out of time for tonight...let me know what you think....
1/27/2007
What would I do without...
What would I do without friends? I'd probably die, it's true. In fact, I have concluded that if anyone was to ever torture me, they could just lock me up in solitary confinement.
These last few weeks I've had a TON of fun being with my friends. These last few weeks I've also had alot of amazing chats with the very people I walk through life with. I am definitely and truly blessed to have the friends that I do - from those I have known my whole life and have grown up with to those I am just meeting and getting to know now.
Last week I spent a few hours with a friend doing Young Life and I saw his passion for young people. Then I spent a day planning college and career with a group of people I also consider my friends...people who have prayed for me and I for them many times over...people who have been my encouragers and slap-across-the-face-ers (when I'm being a moron in my reasoning and decision making). I went adventuring across a frozen lake, ski-dooing, and tubing with them. Then I spent the evening whipping down the hugest hill on toboggans, tubes, and GTs and playing laughter-roaring games with another random group of friends...and friends of my friends. Then I went to church and afterwards had friends - old and new - over for a huge pot of spaghetti, where we honestly, openly, and vulnerably shared parts of who we are with each other. Then I helped a friend lead a kids club and watched my other friends have kids climb all over them. Then I went to another friend's house for some soothing hot-tubbing and fun nintendo-wii playing. Then my friend and I talked into the early morning hours about God and faith and life. As I left classes throughout the week a friend gave me hugs. And I spent some time with a very close friend, chatting about our lives over tea and cookies...and then answering (with laughter and tears) deep "would you rather" questions with her bestest friend and now my friend too. I spent today tackling the rocks at the gym and drinking Tim Hortons with a lovely friend. Later today I sat across the table from another beautiful friend debating paradigms of limits to growth versus cornucopianism.
And now I sit here (avoiding all homework, or perhaps rewarding myself for doing some homework), reflecting on my friends and how thankful I am that God has brought each of them into my life. I certainly look forward to getting to know other friends too, and know He will bring ample opportunities.
So to my friends...I'm pretty sure you all know who you are...I sure do love each one of you, and hope that as time goes on we'll be able to continue growing together and spur each other on more and more.
1/18/2007
Dichotomy in My Life
Man, there is so much out there. SO many experiences to experience. Sometimes it just baffles my brain. However, I'm not one of those people that will often initiate an adventure. I like to think about adventures, but honestly haven't really thought that I could accomplish any of them. I'm an easy-going-to-the-point-of-not-doing-anything-about-my-ideas kind of person. I rarely take initiative on my own ideas-especially if I'm the only one involved.
Perhaps one of the contributing thoughts to my lack of taking initiative is that I haven't truly thought I can do it...initiate, pursue, and follow through on an idea. And maybe I can't. But many other people have done it before me (and are doing it around me), so maybe I can. I won't ever know unless I try, and as I ponder and delve into this idea of new and exciting opportunities, the more excited I become.
And at the same time, I enjoy being laid-back. I think it's a gift as it's hard to truly get stressed out this way (especially when coupled with moment-by-moment dependence on the goodness of God). However, there's SO much out there... and who knows how God is going to use me and teach me through it...through me being actively and clear-mindedly involved in life (I know "mindedly" may not be a word, but I'm not about to go find a proper word at this moment).
But, with all that said, I know I need to run humbly and closely with God. I've become excited about things... about working as an OT with inner city organizations, in prisons, in third world countries... and lately I have frequently become surprised at my enthusiasm and excitement over such things... but I don't want to go into it all without leaning on Jesus. I don't want to run full-force into a brick wall because I'm not running the race marked out for me. This is a warning to myself: enthusiasm is excellent, passion is necessary, but without Christ, it's nothing. It may look like something to me and to the world, but without Him, and professing Him, it's useless. I do believe God gives us zeal, but unless that energy is focused on Him, it truly ends up being empty.
So, with all the opportunities arising, and as I pursue some of them by faith, even in the midst of the ridiculous dichotomy of being so laid-back and yet fully pursuing ideas, I hope I will have magnificent stories to share with you all. Feel free to pray for me in this. I will and do appreciate it! Oh to be found faithful in God's eyes...
Perhaps one of the contributing thoughts to my lack of taking initiative is that I haven't truly thought I can do it...initiate, pursue, and follow through on an idea. And maybe I can't. But many other people have done it before me (and are doing it around me), so maybe I can. I won't ever know unless I try, and as I ponder and delve into this idea of new and exciting opportunities, the more excited I become.
And at the same time, I enjoy being laid-back. I think it's a gift as it's hard to truly get stressed out this way (especially when coupled with moment-by-moment dependence on the goodness of God). However, there's SO much out there... and who knows how God is going to use me and teach me through it...through me being actively and clear-mindedly involved in life (I know "mindedly" may not be a word, but I'm not about to go find a proper word at this moment).
But, with all that said, I know I need to run humbly and closely with God. I've become excited about things... about working as an OT with inner city organizations, in prisons, in third world countries... and lately I have frequently become surprised at my enthusiasm and excitement over such things... but I don't want to go into it all without leaning on Jesus. I don't want to run full-force into a brick wall because I'm not running the race marked out for me. This is a warning to myself: enthusiasm is excellent, passion is necessary, but without Christ, it's nothing. It may look like something to me and to the world, but without Him, and professing Him, it's useless. I do believe God gives us zeal, but unless that energy is focused on Him, it truly ends up being empty.
1/06/2007
Post heart surgery
Well, here I am. Recovering from...you guessed it: heart surgery.
The days leading up to it almost drove me insane. I must say I had fun in them though: cross-country skiing and snowboarding...both super fun days. But that meant I was super sore for the day of surgery...I could hardly move my upper body when the nurses told me, after 6 hours of laying on my back, that I could sit up. And I wasn't sore because I had just gone through heart surgery, but because I had enjoyed sports that used muscles I don't normally use! I swear I didn't feel the pain from anything relating to surgery (even after the freezing wore off).
I think the most amazing thing about going through surgery was the number of people thinking about and praying for me. I was on a bit of a rollercoaster (controlled rollercoaster for the most part) of being "whatever" on one side and scared on the other. The week before at church I had a few people come up to me to tell me they would be praying for me. The number of people who have loved me, prayed for me, and checked up on me afterwards is incredible. I wanted to go through it with as little fuss as possible, but soon everyone knew about it, and on the flip side, I am grateful.
Last night, though, was the scariest night ever. I laid there in bed, after my parents had gone home, with my heart still flip-flopping every now and then, wondering if I was going to die during the night and Heidi would end up finding me in the morning (that's the worst though ever). Or if I should call the hospital, or if I even knew when, if I even should at all, call the hospital. So instead, I called my parents and cried. My Dad was really reassuring, and ended the call with a quick "Lord, help Candice fall asleep tonight and sleep well" kind of prayer. The quick, simple, prayer. The same prayer I have seen answered in other ways like when the friend I was snowboarding with lost his cell phone on a run, and a few minutes after talking about how his mom prays when she loses things, I said a little one in my head, and I'm sure he did too, and the cell phone was found. So, after I hung up the phone and Heidi helped me set up the stereo to distract my mind with some music, I fell asleep and slept soundly!
The surgery was successful. The doctors and nurses were incredible. The process was intriguing although I only remember bits and pieces. So far I'm recovering well. Holidays are over, my anticipated events have passed, and it's a New Year with good things to experience and grow in.
I've been thinking alot about how I want to live this next year. A friend once mentioned that she thinks I live deliberately. I know that's not true all the time, but I hope I will live so this next year. I want to live a life this year that is pleasing to God. To live in the faith that I have learned. Thereby, I hope to be an encouragement to friends around me. To be real, and honest in following Christ. To set my eyes and work toward treasures that matter, and have joy in doing so. To meet new friends, and enjoy those I have and am getting to re-know.
Those are my hopes, along with not ever having to go to ER for heart things again. I'm definitely looking forward to this year. I'm thankful the last is over, and I'm ready to start in the freshness of a new semester.
Friends are coming over for a bit now, so off I go.
The days leading up to it almost drove me insane. I must say I had fun in them though: cross-country skiing and snowboarding...both super fun days. But that meant I was super sore for the day of surgery...I could hardly move my upper body when the nurses told me, after 6 hours of laying on my back, that I could sit up. And I wasn't sore because I had just gone through heart surgery, but because I had enjoyed sports that used muscles I don't normally use! I swear I didn't feel the pain from anything relating to surgery (even after the freezing wore off).
I think the most amazing thing about going through surgery was the number of people thinking about and praying for me. I was on a bit of a rollercoaster (controlled rollercoaster for the most part) of being "whatever" on one side and scared on the other. The week before at church I had a few people come up to me to tell me they would be praying for me. The number of people who have loved me, prayed for me, and checked up on me afterwards is incredible. I wanted to go through it with as little fuss as possible, but soon everyone knew about it, and on the flip side, I am grateful.
Last night, though, was the scariest night ever. I laid there in bed, after my parents had gone home, with my heart still flip-flopping every now and then, wondering if I was going to die during the night and Heidi would end up finding me in the morning (that's the worst though ever). Or if I should call the hospital, or if I even knew when, if I even should at all, call the hospital. So instead, I called my parents and cried. My Dad was really reassuring, and ended the call with a quick "Lord, help Candice fall asleep tonight and sleep well" kind of prayer. The quick, simple, prayer. The same prayer I have seen answered in other ways like when the friend I was snowboarding with lost his cell phone on a run, and a few minutes after talking about how his mom prays when she loses things, I said a little one in my head, and I'm sure he did too, and the cell phone was found. So, after I hung up the phone and Heidi helped me set up the stereo to distract my mind with some music, I fell asleep and slept soundly!
The surgery was successful. The doctors and nurses were incredible. The process was intriguing although I only remember bits and pieces. So far I'm recovering well. Holidays are over, my anticipated events have passed, and it's a New Year with good things to experience and grow in.
I've been thinking alot about how I want to live this next year. A friend once mentioned that she thinks I live deliberately. I know that's not true all the time, but I hope I will live so this next year. I want to live a life this year that is pleasing to God. To live in the faith that I have learned. Thereby, I hope to be an encouragement to friends around me. To be real, and honest in following Christ. To set my eyes and work toward treasures that matter, and have joy in doing so. To meet new friends, and enjoy those I have and am getting to re-know.
Those are my hopes, along with not ever having to go to ER for heart things again. I'm definitely looking forward to this year. I'm thankful the last is over, and I'm ready to start in the freshness of a new semester.
12/27/2006
Holiday time!
It's so incredibly nice to be at home relaxing! I've already completed one and a half books, which is odd since I hardly ever read. And spent time with all of my family including sledding with my wonderfully fun Disney cousins. Tomorrow is shopping with Heidi (little black dress for New Years!), tobogganing, and perhaps some hot-tubbing. Hopefully I'll get some snowboarding in sometime as well. It's snowing now, so the ski hill should be nice. Other than those plans, New Year's Eve, working out with my Mom, and going back up to the apartment, life is definitely unscheduled. I must say I'm quite enjoying it...tomorrow I may get a little antsy. But, I'm positive my days will fill up quickly.
By the way...what has happened to all the blogs of my friends? My brother informed me the other day that blogs are just not the "in" thing anymore...which means I'm outdated. *sigh* I'm so un-cool. Blogs being outdated is ridiculous though, considering I only started this in April. I think it's disgusting how quickly we (as in our generation) get sick of things and move on to the next. But I'm glad to see that the lack of blogging probably means that the lives of my friends are quite full. And as much as I am curious about what is going on in that fullness, I'm content with knowing that you all are keeping busy doing things that you enjoy!
Speaking of things you enjoy...how many people do you know devise a computer code on a spreadsheet to solve Sudoko puzzles? Not just use one already made, but actually calculate and program the spreadsheet to enable you to solve the puzzle? This is what my Dad is doing at this very moment, and I must say he is quite enjoying it. And therefore, he does not blog. And I just took a break to do two of them: one with hamster pictures. I suppose that just provides a concrete example of my shallow ponderings above!
And since I do not have much of anything else to write about at the moment, I will end this blog here. I hope you all have a marvelous holiday time doing whatever you are doing!
By the way...what has happened to all the blogs of my friends? My brother informed me the other day that blogs are just not the "in" thing anymore...which means I'm outdated. *sigh* I'm so un-cool. Blogs being outdated is ridiculous though, considering I only started this in April. I think it's disgusting how quickly we (as in our generation) get sick of things and move on to the next. But I'm glad to see that the lack of blogging probably means that the lives of my friends are quite full. And as much as I am curious about what is going on in that fullness, I'm content with knowing that you all are keeping busy doing things that you enjoy!
Speaking of things you enjoy...how many people do you know devise a computer code on a spreadsheet to solve Sudoko puzzles? Not just use one already made, but actually calculate and program the spreadsheet to enable you to solve the puzzle? This is what my Dad is doing at this very moment, and I must say he is quite enjoying it. And therefore, he does not blog. And I just took a break to do two of them: one with hamster pictures. I suppose that just provides a concrete example of my shallow ponderings above!And since I do not have much of anything else to write about at the moment, I will end this blog here. I hope you all have a marvelous holiday time doing whatever you are doing!
12/19/2006
When there's question marks...
The time has come... I'm now finished exams.... yippeee!!!! And I can now blog all the things that have been pressing on my mind these last couple of weeks. Actually, it's been awhile since I've written about my experiences and thoughts, so this one may be a duzie...where do I even start?
A few weeks ago I came to a point where I really questioned God. Happenings around me just weren't going "right": mental illnesses, extreme mood issues, hurting people, and my own self-pity all bundled up and made me think to ask God what the heck He was doing... or even if He existed at all. I thought back to all the things He has done in my life and questioned whether it was really Him all along. So, in my state of loneliness and sadness over circumstances in life, I outright told Him that He had better show me that He is real because nothing was making sense or providing any meaning in life. My passion just wasn't there because I started to not believe that God was there.
And then I started reading Job. Even in my time of unbelief, I was drawn to read a book I had only absent-mindedly slugged through before. But this time I could not stop reading it. I read the whole book in one week. I couldn't reading it with one of Job's friends talking because I knew they were wrong. And yet, as I read it, I saw how much I relate to problems in life like they did: God punishes those who are not faithful. Have faith, be right with God, and everything will be okay. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), it just isn't so. And Job knew it: "How can a man be in the right before God? If one wished to dispute with Him, he could not answer Him once in a thousand times" (9:2-3).
I read as Job and his friends tried to sort out why all this was happening to him, with knowledge of what was happening "behind the scenes" with God and Satan. There was so much more to the story than those men on earth knew. And at the end of Job, God reveals Himself and states that He is so much more powerful than they make Him to be: He is so much more wise, and so much more sovereign.
And then I started reading "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancy. I haven't read very far yet as I had to stop to concentrate on exams, but so far what I have learned through that book is essential to my wonderings and unbelief. God was hidden for me. He didn't "show up" (please note I put that in parentheses because He's already here). He did not give me clear guidelines on how to live so that I could be happy. He wasn't explaining to me why I felt hurt and lonely or what I should do to fix it. He allowed sick things to happen to people that I know. I guess you can say I was disappointed with God for many reasons... mostly because He wasn't doing what I expected Him to do. Most disappointment comes through false expectations. Not saying we can't expect things from God... but it has to be truthful.
So, in all the hiddenness, He taught me that this is the way we have faith. Who has faith in something that they can see and don't really need to believe in? Who has faith when there's a list of rights and wrongs (like the old testament...Deut. 30, and commandments) to live by? Who has faith when the object of that faith is walking with them in the garden? It didn't work before, and it doesn't work too well that way now. Would we have more faith if we saw more miracles, or is faith truly demonstrated in the times where it doesn't seem that the object of our faith won't come through for us? I don't know who said it, but this quote sums it up nicely: In the face of problems as they are, we see in Jesus Christ an exhibition of where our faith is to be placed - in a God whose ways we do not understand. I cry because I don't have a date on the weekends, and God says "have faith, I know what I'm doing." I get angry at him when I see injustice and God says "I know you don't understand it. Have faith." I become frustrated when I think that I am studying useless information and just want to be out DOING something and God says "Have faith while you're studying." And now it's Christmas, and I'm faced with days that I don't know how to fill. I know it will be good, but it's so unknown, and God says "Have faith. I'm with you always. Have faith regardless of what you are doing during the day. Believe me."
So where can I go? To place all your trust and faith in Someone who knows, who truly does understand me even to the deepest point where I don't understand myself, Someone who truly loves me, Someone who hides Himself so that we will be pleasing to Him, sounds so good, and yet crazy. But it's definitely a hopeful, joyful, peaceful, and loving place to be. I know I have alot more to learn in life, but I think this is one of my most favorite lessons that I have learned so far.
A few weeks ago I came to a point where I really questioned God. Happenings around me just weren't going "right": mental illnesses, extreme mood issues, hurting people, and my own self-pity all bundled up and made me think to ask God what the heck He was doing... or even if He existed at all. I thought back to all the things He has done in my life and questioned whether it was really Him all along. So, in my state of loneliness and sadness over circumstances in life, I outright told Him that He had better show me that He is real because nothing was making sense or providing any meaning in life. My passion just wasn't there because I started to not believe that God was there.
And then I started reading Job. Even in my time of unbelief, I was drawn to read a book I had only absent-mindedly slugged through before. But this time I could not stop reading it. I read the whole book in one week. I couldn't reading it with one of Job's friends talking because I knew they were wrong. And yet, as I read it, I saw how much I relate to problems in life like they did: God punishes those who are not faithful. Have faith, be right with God, and everything will be okay. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), it just isn't so. And Job knew it: "How can a man be in the right before God? If one wished to dispute with Him, he could not answer Him once in a thousand times" (9:2-3).
I read as Job and his friends tried to sort out why all this was happening to him, with knowledge of what was happening "behind the scenes" with God and Satan. There was so much more to the story than those men on earth knew. And at the end of Job, God reveals Himself and states that He is so much more powerful than they make Him to be: He is so much more wise, and so much more sovereign.
And then I started reading "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancy. I haven't read very far yet as I had to stop to concentrate on exams, but so far what I have learned through that book is essential to my wonderings and unbelief. God was hidden for me. He didn't "show up" (please note I put that in parentheses because He's already here). He did not give me clear guidelines on how to live so that I could be happy. He wasn't explaining to me why I felt hurt and lonely or what I should do to fix it. He allowed sick things to happen to people that I know. I guess you can say I was disappointed with God for many reasons... mostly because He wasn't doing what I expected Him to do. Most disappointment comes through false expectations. Not saying we can't expect things from God... but it has to be truthful.
So, in all the hiddenness, He taught me that this is the way we have faith. Who has faith in something that they can see and don't really need to believe in? Who has faith when there's a list of rights and wrongs (like the old testament...Deut. 30, and commandments) to live by? Who has faith when the object of that faith is walking with them in the garden? It didn't work before, and it doesn't work too well that way now. Would we have more faith if we saw more miracles, or is faith truly demonstrated in the times where it doesn't seem that the object of our faith won't come through for us? I don't know who said it, but this quote sums it up nicely: In the face of problems as they are, we see in Jesus Christ an exhibition of where our faith is to be placed - in a God whose ways we do not understand. I cry because I don't have a date on the weekends, and God says "have faith, I know what I'm doing." I get angry at him when I see injustice and God says "I know you don't understand it. Have faith." I become frustrated when I think that I am studying useless information and just want to be out DOING something and God says "Have faith while you're studying." And now it's Christmas, and I'm faced with days that I don't know how to fill. I know it will be good, but it's so unknown, and God says "Have faith. I'm with you always. Have faith regardless of what you are doing during the day. Believe me."
So where can I go? To place all your trust and faith in Someone who knows, who truly does understand me even to the deepest point where I don't understand myself, Someone who truly loves me, Someone who hides Himself so that we will be pleasing to Him, sounds so good, and yet crazy. But it's definitely a hopeful, joyful, peaceful, and loving place to be. I know I have alot more to learn in life, but I think this is one of my most favorite lessons that I have learned so far.
12/09/2006
Gorgeous!
I came across some websites today and think the pictures in them are absolutely amazing! I'm sure most of us have tried catching snowflakes on our noses or tongue, or have crouched close to a window or lifted up or mitted hands to examine individual snowflakes before they melt. But I've never seen so many photographs of real snowflakes up close or been able to see the intricacies and differences between them. They really are a work of art! It gives a different meaning to what God talked about in Job: "From whose womb has come the ice? And the frost of heaven, who has given it birth?" (38:29). I read Job this week, and could hardly put it down... but when it got to this part where God talks of His power in nature, my thoughts were on the science behind it all...in all honesty, I didn't believe God on some of them because I reason them scientifically. In this case, as a simplified explanation, the water evaporates, condenses and percipitates in different forms depending on the temperature of the atmospheres... But as I look at these pictures, I wonder how such miniature, perfect, unique, and intricate pieces of art seem to only come from water solidifying? The question arises as to what decides how the hydrogen bonds will form to make the crystal. I know temperature plays a huge part, but there are too many different shapes for "natural" factors to play into their design. Besides, those are the mediums by which God fashions all the designs He made up in the first place!
We have alot of snow here in Edmonton. It's been melting the past couple of days, but while it's still out there causing havoc for any mode of transportation, think about how many crystals of snow are in your front yard and consider that they are amazing works of art designed by the most perfect and creative person that we know. He makes me smile.
http://www.markcassino.com/galleries/snowflakes/flake_thumbs.htm
http://www.its.caltech.edu/~atomic/snowcrystals/photos/photos.htm
12/07/2006
I do have fun too...
Alright... I haven't written much about the fun times that I have, or anything outside of my endless pondering of things in life, so here is your chance to know what I do during the times I'm not thinking so much. I've made a top ten list of the things I have enjoyed in the past while:
1. Taking pictures and watching Heidi doctor them
2. Making a Christmas-colored tent fort in the living room and sleeping in it
3. Setting up and decorating Christmas trees
4. Getting a new computer
5. Drinking hot chocolate and egg nog
6. Anticipating jumping into the fresh snow in front of Corbett Hall
7. Chocolate chocolate chip cookies (I think Heidi is actually cookie monster in disguise... you have to be quick around here!)
8. Reading the book of Job
9. Talking with strangers on the street
10.Bible study
and for good measure:
11. Being done classes at school
12. Laughing hard every night at the funniest roommate moments
12/02/2006
Noticable?
I never really realized how many Christians are in my classes at school. Needless to say, it seems really ridiculous to me that I have never noticed. I know most everyone in the class has values of helping people and such like, but within the last couple of weeks I have discovered more and more Christians! On the one hand, it's excellent. On the other hand, I wonder why I didn't notice before... sometimes we sure don't seem like Christians.
I've laughed at horrible comments, complained along with others (both of these with Christians), have gone through my day with all my focus on myself, purposely avoided people I don't want to talk with, haven't shared about Christ with people I'm around, don't enjoy many songs about God even though they may be true, and have marvelous plans and ideas for serving God in the future and what that looks like, but don't do a whole lot of anything to show those desires and treasures now.
Now, that's not to say that we need to solely act like Christians for people to recognize us as such. I think alot of the people who read my blog know this already. But this last week my brow has been furrowed over the fact that I didn't know the people in my class who are Christians ARE Christians. And I don't know if they know that I am. Even if they do, do I really display Christ's love and power? Hardly. Actually, the way I've been going through some of my days really isn't any different from anyone who doesn't know Christ. I can be inspired by verses in the Bible, pray, and be on my merry little way. I can also hang out with my friends and roommates all the time, but not provide encouragement in following Jesus.
OK, I know there's more depth to my faith than that. I didn't lose it. However, I've really noticed that some key part is lacking. Once again, where's the fruit of the Spirit? Where's the evidence that the Spirit is acting in my life? That I'm not quenching Him but letting Him have full reign? That I completely live by and through Him? Where is the Spirit and what does He do anyway? Where did my passion...my zeal... for Him go?
I remember the first time I learned that Christ lived in me and how incredibly excited I was over the knowledge that Jesus' power is manifested in and through me. I felt sparkly with the idea. Oftentimes now, I feel glazed over. Where did the power go? Why don't I let Him be powerful in me?
Granted, this year has been crazy insane for learning things and going through changes... and I've experience God more fully and differently than ever before... and I know my experiences are real. But right now, I think and feel monotone. But I WANT God's power working in me. I want so much to see His power working through my Christian friends. I want to believe and grow and blossom more and more. It's definitely something to spend some good honest time talking and listening with God about...
I've laughed at horrible comments, complained along with others (both of these with Christians), have gone through my day with all my focus on myself, purposely avoided people I don't want to talk with, haven't shared about Christ with people I'm around, don't enjoy many songs about God even though they may be true, and have marvelous plans and ideas for serving God in the future and what that looks like, but don't do a whole lot of anything to show those desires and treasures now.
Now, that's not to say that we need to solely act like Christians for people to recognize us as such. I think alot of the people who read my blog know this already. But this last week my brow has been furrowed over the fact that I didn't know the people in my class who are Christians ARE Christians. And I don't know if they know that I am. Even if they do, do I really display Christ's love and power? Hardly. Actually, the way I've been going through some of my days really isn't any different from anyone who doesn't know Christ. I can be inspired by verses in the Bible, pray, and be on my merry little way. I can also hang out with my friends and roommates all the time, but not provide encouragement in following Jesus.
OK, I know there's more depth to my faith than that. I didn't lose it. However, I've really noticed that some key part is lacking. Once again, where's the fruit of the Spirit? Where's the evidence that the Spirit is acting in my life? That I'm not quenching Him but letting Him have full reign? That I completely live by and through Him? Where is the Spirit and what does He do anyway? Where did my passion...my zeal... for Him go?I remember the first time I learned that Christ lived in me and how incredibly excited I was over the knowledge that Jesus' power is manifested in and through me. I felt sparkly with the idea. Oftentimes now, I feel glazed over. Where did the power go? Why don't I let Him be powerful in me?
Granted, this year has been crazy insane for learning things and going through changes... and I've experience God more fully and differently than ever before... and I know my experiences are real. But right now, I think and feel monotone. But I WANT God's power working in me. I want so much to see His power working through my Christian friends. I want to believe and grow and blossom more and more. It's definitely something to spend some good honest time talking and listening with God about...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
