Thursday

First off, I don't know about the rest of you students out there, but I feel like my brain is almost fried. But it seems like the more I work at studying and learning, the more I want to do it and am driven to do it. Weird. The feeling can only last so long... until next week when I'm done exams and can focus on other things...

Secondly, a friend told me a few weeks ago that concentrating and attending to studying takes the same energy and drive as prayer... I'm sure it must be true. The clear-mindedness and focus needed to study sounds like it fits into praying. It seems like praying that hard is more worthwhile than studying that hard, and yet here I am, studying away... albeit with a few more prayers thrown in.

Finally, in the midst of learning about deformities of the hand, burns, and energy conservation, as well as pondering many other fun events and complexities in life, a simple song sweetly snuck into my ears and mind:

Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
Give me Jesus

Just Jesus. School, studying, friends, relationships, everything, as good and as sweet as they may be, can never lastingly surpass Jesus and everything He is to me. Weirdly, experiencing that thought made concentrating on school work a whole lot easier. I'm not doing this for me, or for this world alone.

And since I don't think I know much of anything for my exam tomorrow...

This time of year...

Sometimes during exams, when I really should be studying, I get distracted by my computer. Actually, I could probably get distracted with just about anything. My brain seems to think that once I study for a good 6 or so hours, it can just shut down for the next week regardless of what else I "should" be doing. I studied 6 hours yesterday. I think I've been deconditioned to studying this last semester. I hardly seem to know what the word actually entails. The crazy thing is, I'm technically studying for an exam that is still a year away. Everything I'm committing to memory, and really, committing to be a part of my future vocational skills (SCARY), will be pulled out in a year on my certification exam. This stuff could make or break a person's life. Yikes. Definitely makes these little finals feel unimportant and yet a very valuable experience.

I found out where my next fieldwork placement will be... In Edmonton! I'm pretty excited about that... it means I get to maintain my habits (aka Peter) for the next few months. After that, who knows where I'll be, so I'll keep you posted.

Life has been quite the whirlwind, and it's most definitely been fun! Although I sometimes feel like I need to "just get through" the next few weeks of exams, I know I get to enjoy the adventures throughout... enjoy my roommates, enjoy my friends, enjoy my steady flame, enjoy activities I'm involved in, enjoy trips here and there... life is full, and it is also good...very good. God has been steadily pouring blessings on me... gifts of grace all around.


And, back to studying...

Peter

Here I am, sitting in Karin's living room in...Vancouver. Curled up in a down sleeping bag, jazz music playing in the background. Technically I should be studying. In reality I should be studying. But since I've met Peter, "should be's" often go down the drain. I still know it must be done, but there's a whole new twist to life that I'm finding quite refreshing. The twist often makes the madness inside of me be at rest, and makes me enjoy life more and more. And that's why I'm in Vancouver, visiting Peter's sister Karin (she's delightful, and reminds me of a fairy) and some other Vancouver friends. It seems rather funny to me that all my friends here know about Peter, but so many of my friends in other places don't yet. When Ashley Star commented on my blog and added a "P.S. Who is Peter?" I figured it must be time to write about him.

It's taken me a little bit to write about Peter, mostly because I was a) crazy busy balancing Peter and school, and b) I wasn't sure how to write about him without my friends being concerned that it's happened so fast.



So, before I continue, let me reassure you all that both of my roommates approve, and I really think it's been God setting it up all along. Where it's going to go in the future.... I don't have a clue. But God knows, and I can trust Him with it right now, and walk where He says to go. Which is a good reminder at this moment sitting in the apartment by myself, given a wee chance to ponder.



Peter is my steady flame. And since that began, life has been quite the adventure. Adventure just follows him, or meets him, or he just saunters right into it. There is never a dull moment, and if one comes along, it doesn't last very long. From shooting himself in the toe with a nail gun (he's a framer, this subsequently enabled us to go on our first date as he didn't have to work for a few days), to having random street people walk into his house in the middle of the night and placing a hot water bottle on his back while he sleeps, to wearing a suit almost all the time to "find [himself] a wife" he's probably the craziest, most fun person I've ever met. He always has a twinkle in his eye and loves to laugh. He's also incredibly capable of having an incredible, serious conversation, although often with a few light-hearted comments or random questions thrown in. When I asked his roommate if he could describe Peter in two sentences, he said he couldn't. He went on to say "there's nothing normal about him." And that's probably why I'm in Vancouver instead of stressing at home over finals.



And don't worry, before we started hanging out he really wasn't in the business of finding himself a wife. And still isn't... he's definitely and noticably trusting God with it all.

And, he loves God ALOT... prerequisite for me dating anyone. I love the way he looks at faith, and has faith, and actively lives it out. Sometimes it throws me off guard... in a very good way. Who he is and the way he looks at life often makes me realize, or re-think how I relate to things in life. Not that I change the way I think for the sake of wanting him to like me at all. It's just that we think in so much the same way... he reinforces the thoughts that I have and inherently encourages me to follow God closer, seeking Him to guide me, and resting... trusting... not worrying... about otherwise trivial things on this earth.

Both of us often think that our relationship feels surreal... it seems like it randomly came out of nowhere and is SO good. We seem to fit awfully well, and it feels odd to not struggle to make things fit. I know people may say I'm just in the "stars in the eyes" stage, but honestly, I've never met anyone who I fit so well with. I anticipate differences at some point in life, but am excited at the prospect of walking beside someone with our lives undistracted by differences between us, so completely enthralled and focused on God, loving Him as we go along.



So, I walk in this with open hands, with freedom inside me, knowing that it is God who gives and God who takes away, knowing that God has incredibly good plans (no matter what those plans entail) and I get to walk in them, knowing that I can completely trust God with all of it, and knowing that He will continuously whisper to both of us "this is the way, walk in it." Neither of us knows what tomorrow will look like, definitely not trusting our own understanding because so much of this doesn't make sense, but we're both listening and wanting to follow God in it all.

I think there are tons more adventures to unfold...

Covered With Dust

Well, I must say I'm pretty darn excited about life right now for so many reasons. It feels almost odd to me to feel so incredibly blessed, but I'm thankful!

And, there have been some things I've been learning and re-learning that excite me. Mostly, it's been through Bible study. We're reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell right now, and the last few sessions have been marvelous. I wanted to write down one of the ideas, mostly so that I come back to it and remember. Really, it's how life should be lived. More-or-less, it's a spin on following Jesus that I have never heard before, but makes complete sense in my mind.

This is how it goes (ha- good thing I read this over before I posted... I continually misspelled "rabbi" as "rabbit"):

Religion was the center focus of a Jewish child's life. They started going to school around 6 years old and was taught by the local rabbi. They memorized the first 5 books of the old testament. Everyone knew the Bible... Jesus could quote things and everyone knew what He was talking about. Students that did well in these first 4 years would go on to memorize the rest of the old testament, and study the oral tradition around it. The others would learn the family trade. At 14 or 15 years, those remaining in school would apply to become a disciple of a rabbi. This was more than being a student: the goal "wasn't just to know what the rabbi knew, but to be just like the rabbi." They would ask: "Rabbi, I want to follow you."

At this point, the rabbi would question the student about everything he had learned, finding out if this kid had what it took to do what he does - if he would ultimately be able to do what the rabbi did. If the rabbi thought the kid had what it takes, he would say "Come, follow me."

The student would leave his home, his dad and mom, his village, his friends, and devote his entire life to learning how to do what the rabbi did. He gave up his whole life to be just like his rabbi. He would follow his rabbi everywhere, and "cover [himself] with the dust of [his rabbi's] feet."

Peter and Andrew were fishermen. They didn't have what it took to continue following a rabbi; they were working in the family trade. And then Jesus calls them to follow Him. A rabbi told them that they can be like Him. If a rabbi calls you to be his disciple, then he believes you can actually be like him. When the disciples lose faith, Jesus said "You did not choose me, but I chose you."

Jesus sees us as capable. AND He gives us the ability to do it... to be like Him. He's the one who makes us like Him. And He has confidence that we can become like Him.

I never really got the point that God chose me... I would say to Him "God, it must be true because it's in the Bible, but it doesn't make sense to me... I'm the one who has decided to follow You, I'm the one who came to You for forgiveness..." But, in reality, He's the one who chose me... a simple little human being... He said "come, follow Me" and that means that He knows that I can become like Him. That makes following Him so much more beautiful and exciting. And worthwhile.

Good Day

I went to Missions Fest today. I intended to be there for only a short little while so I could get back home to do homework, but one of these days I will actually act on the realization that it takes me forever to do anything. This is especially true when it comes to running into so many people that I know and want to catch up with. At almost every booth I stopped at, I either knew the presenter or the presenters knew someone that I know. Same with random people I came across. Needless to say, I did a lot of visiting! There's never enough time to truly catch up though...in any circumstance.

This year I went to Missions Fest with a purpose: to find out the role of OT in missions as well as find out what organizations had openings for OTs. Surprisingly, there was quite a bit. So now the question is: am I going to do this, Lord? And if so, where? It's kind of exciting to me to be thinking about this because I sort of put it on the back-log for so long. It never seemed like it could possibly be reality. And now it's completely possible!

And the afternoon wasn't just about meeting people and finding out information. Two presenters stopped and offered to pray for me, and then proceeded to pray for things that were really pertinent to me. That was a blessing! And a good reminder to not stop praying for people around me.

There was also a huge contrast that stuck out to me. There's such a stark difference between that atmosphere and others I see in or around my life. There was so much blessing, so much love, and so much purpose. I don't mean this in a sappy, nostalgic non-thinking way at all, but in an absolutely truthful way... It was beautiful! Being there was like being in light...

Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

What to write...what to write...

Initially I was going to write about how crappy my day was. It was one of those days where nothing seems to go the way I'd like it to. And then I read some people's blogs, and it put perspective on today... they mostly had underlying themes of anticipation and adventure. And those things make me feel like my eyes are sparkling. And Heidi just made me some hot chocolate, which makes me feel a little better too.

Apparently she's a little bored... sitting across the table from me...all she said is "play with me!" I love my roommates! Unfortunately, I'm going to sit here and write and she'll have to fend for herself. She says I should write about purple elephants and grilled cheese sandwiches (which, I have been eating alot of lately... I sure do enjoy them!).

Mostly what I've been thinking about lately is what it means to live to glorify God, and what it means to live without fear.

First off, I'm a terrible failure in living to glorify God. There's something about my mouth that gets me into trouble, and says more than I ought... and I don't think that's always glorifying to God. Which means that maybe my heart isn't in that place either... for out of the heart the mouth speaks. But I WANT to so much. I want people to see Christ when they look at my life. There's a part of me that often wants the credit, but I realized the other day that it's so completely pointless to have the credit when it's God who is at work in me, to make me someone that people see Him through. And I've concluded that it comes down to abiding in Christ... to be so singularily focused on Him in everything I do, and aim to have what I think, say, or do be pleasing to Him because I am already thinking about Him. These are my thoughts as I wake up in the morning, and when I go to bed at night. I suppose if I could do that all the time there wouldn't be as much evidence for grace. Not that I do it so that grace can abound more (sound familiar?), but that's just the way it happens. Thank God for grace, and that He brings us through things to transform us more and more so that He will be glorified!

And about fear... it's been a topic of conversation with my friends alot. One of the pastor's taught about it last week: fear of death, fear of people, and fearing God. Fearing God fits nicely in my mind to what I said above about glorifying God. It's completely a lifestyle... not being afraid of God, but living each moment in reverence because of who He is. The other two fears involve being afraid. And as much as I understand and believe what the pastor said about both, I have a hard time understanding it in light of people I know, and will be working with in my job in the future, who are truly afraid of things around them. I completely believe that God can take these fears away, and can instill faith in people through such fears. He is our Rock, our Fortress, our Deliverer, our Confidence. The Bible says so! But I wonder why it's so hard for some people to overcome fears. It seems to be something so ingrained in a person that a) they are unwilling to give it up because it's so much a part of them, or b) it's something that can't be given up. We all have them in some shape or form, some more noticeable than others... but they seem to be so paralyzing sometimes. My personal and occupational therapist's mind says that this is not good... to not be able to engage in things because you're afraid. And I see so much freedom in living and experiencing all of life without them.

And I've ran out of time for tonight...let me know what you think....

What would I do without...

What would I do without friends? I'd probably die, it's true. In fact, I have concluded that if anyone was to ever torture me, they could just lock me up in solitary confinement.

These last few weeks I've had a TON of fun being with my friends. These last few weeks I've also had alot of amazing chats with the very people I walk through life with. I am definitely and truly blessed to have the friends that I do - from those I have known my whole life and have grown up with to those I am just meeting and getting to know now.

Last week I spent a few hours with a friend doing Young Life and I saw his passion for young people. Then I spent a day planning college and career with a group of people I also consider my friends...people who have prayed for me and I for them many times over...people who have been my encouragers and slap-across-the-face-ers (when I'm being a moron in my reasoning and decision making). I went adventuring across a frozen lake, ski-dooing, and tubing with them. Then I spent the evening whipping down the hugest hill on toboggans, tubes, and GTs and playing laughter-roaring games with another random group of friends...and friends of my friends. Then I went to church and afterwards had friends - old and new - over for a huge pot of spaghetti, where we honestly, openly, and vulnerably shared parts of who we are with each other. Then I helped a friend lead a kids club and watched my other friends have kids climb all over them. Then I went to another friend's house for some soothing hot-tubbing and fun nintendo-wii playing. Then my friend and I talked into the early morning hours about God and faith and life. As I left classes throughout the week a friend gave me hugs. And I spent some time with a very close friend, chatting about our lives over tea and cookies...and then answering (with laughter and tears) deep "would you rather" questions with her bestest friend and now my friend too. I spent today tackling the rocks at the gym and drinking Tim Hortons with a lovely friend. Later today I sat across the table from another beautiful friend debating paradigms of limits to growth versus cornucopianism.

And now I sit here (avoiding all homework, or perhaps rewarding myself for doing some homework), reflecting on my friends and how thankful I am that God has brought each of them into my life. I certainly look forward to getting to know other friends too, and know He will bring ample opportunities.

So to my friends...I'm pretty sure you all know who you are...I sure do love each one of you, and hope that as time goes on we'll be able to continue growing together and spur each other on more and more.

Dichotomy in My Life

Man, there is so much out there. SO many experiences to experience. Sometimes it just baffles my brain. However, I'm not one of those people that will often initiate an adventure. I like to think about adventures, but honestly haven't really thought that I could accomplish any of them. I'm an easy-going-to-the-point-of-not-doing-anything-about-my-ideas kind of person. I rarely take initiative on my own ideas-especially if I'm the only one involved.

Perhaps one of the contributing thoughts to my lack of taking initiative is that I haven't truly thought I can do it...initiate, pursue, and follow through on an idea. And maybe I can't. But many other people have done it before me (and are doing it around me), so maybe I can. I won't ever know unless I try, and as I ponder and delve into this idea of new and exciting opportunities, the more excited I become.

And at the same time, I enjoy being laid-back. I think it's a gift as it's hard to truly get stressed out this way (especially when coupled with moment-by-moment dependence on the goodness of God). However, there's SO much out there... and who knows how God is going to use me and teach me through it...through me being actively and clear-mindedly involved in life (I know "mindedly" may not be a word, but I'm not about to go find a proper word at this moment).

But, with all that said, I know I need to run humbly and closely with God. I've become excited about things... about working as an OT with inner city organizations, in prisons, in third world countries... and lately I have frequently become surprised at my enthusiasm and excitement over such things... but I don't want to go into it all without leaning on Jesus. I don't want to run full-force into a brick wall because I'm not running the race marked out for me. This is a warning to myself: enthusiasm is excellent, passion is necessary, but without Christ, it's nothing. It may look like something to me and to the world, but without Him, and professing Him, it's useless. I do believe God gives us zeal, but unless that energy is focused on Him, it truly ends up being empty.

So, with all the opportunities arising, and as I pursue some of them by faith, even in the midst of the ridiculous dichotomy of being so laid-back and yet fully pursuing ideas, I hope I will have magnificent stories to share with you all. Feel free to pray for me in this. I will and do appreciate it! Oh to be found faithful in God's eyes...

Post heart surgery

Well, here I am. Recovering from...you guessed it: heart surgery.

The days leading up to it almost drove me insane. I must say I had fun in them though: cross-country skiing and snowboarding...both super fun days. But that meant I was super sore for the day of surgery...I could hardly move my upper body when the nurses told me, after 6 hours of laying on my back, that I could sit up. And I wasn't sore because I had just gone through heart surgery, but because I had enjoyed sports that used muscles I don't normally use! I swear I didn't feel the pain from anything relating to surgery (even after the freezing wore off).

I think the most amazing thing about going through surgery was the number of people thinking about and praying for me. I was on a bit of a rollercoaster (controlled rollercoaster for the most part) of being "whatever" on one side and scared on the other. The week before at church I had a few people come up to me to tell me they would be praying for me. The number of people who have loved me, prayed for me, and checked up on me afterwards is incredible. I wanted to go through it with as little fuss as possible, but soon everyone knew about it, and on the flip side, I am grateful.

Last night, though, was the scariest night ever. I laid there in bed, after my parents had gone home, with my heart still flip-flopping every now and then, wondering if I was going to die during the night and Heidi would end up finding me in the morning (that's the worst though ever). Or if I should call the hospital, or if I even knew when, if I even should at all, call the hospital. So instead, I called my parents and cried. My Dad was really reassuring, and ended the call with a quick "Lord, help Candice fall asleep tonight and sleep well" kind of prayer. The quick, simple, prayer. The same prayer I have seen answered in other ways like when the friend I was snowboarding with lost his cell phone on a run, and a few minutes after talking about how his mom prays when she loses things, I said a little one in my head, and I'm sure he did too, and the cell phone was found. So, after I hung up the phone and Heidi helped me set up the stereo to distract my mind with some music, I fell asleep and slept soundly!

The surgery was successful. The doctors and nurses were incredible. The process was intriguing although I only remember bits and pieces. So far I'm recovering well. Holidays are over, my anticipated events have passed, and it's a New Year with good things to experience and grow in.

I've been thinking alot about how I want to live this next year. A friend once mentioned that she thinks I live deliberately. I know that's not true all the time, but I hope I will live so this next year. I want to live a life this year that is pleasing to God. To live in the faith that I have learned. Thereby, I hope to be an encouragement to friends around me. To be real, and honest in following Christ. To set my eyes and work toward treasures that matter, and have joy in doing so. To meet new friends, and enjoy those I have and am getting to re-know.

Those are my hopes, along with not ever having to go to ER for heart things again. I'm definitely looking forward to this year. I'm thankful the last is over, and I'm ready to start in the freshness of a new semester.

Friends are coming over for a bit now, so off I go.

Holiday time!

It's so incredibly nice to be at home relaxing! I've already completed one and a half books, which is odd since I hardly ever read. And spent time with all of my family including sledding with my wonderfully fun Disney cousins. Tomorrow is shopping with Heidi (little black dress for New Years!), tobogganing, and perhaps some hot-tubbing. Hopefully I'll get some snowboarding in sometime as well. It's snowing now, so the ski hill should be nice. Other than those plans, New Year's Eve, working out with my Mom, and going back up to the apartment, life is definitely unscheduled. I must say I'm quite enjoying it...tomorrow I may get a little antsy. But, I'm positive my days will fill up quickly.

By the way...what has happened to all the blogs of my friends? My brother informed me the other day that blogs are just not the "in" thing anymore...which means I'm outdated. *sigh* I'm so un-cool. Blogs being outdated is ridiculous though, considering I only started this in April. I think it's disgusting how quickly we (as in our generation) get sick of things and move on to the next. But I'm glad to see that the lack of blogging probably means that the lives of my friends are quite full. And as much as I am curious about what is going on in that fullness, I'm content with knowing that you all are keeping busy doing things that you enjoy!

Speaking of things you enjoy...how many people do you know devise a computer code on a spreadsheet to solve Sudoko puzzles? Not just use one already made, but actually calculate and program the spreadsheet to enable you to solve the puzzle? This is what my Dad is doing at this very moment, and I must say he is quite enjoying it. And therefore, he does not blog. And I just took a break to do two of them: one with hamster pictures. I suppose that just provides a concrete example of my shallow ponderings above!

And since I do not have much of anything else to write about at the moment, I will end this blog here. I hope you all have a marvelous holiday time doing whatever you are doing!

When there's question marks...

The time has come... I'm now finished exams.... yippeee!!!! And I can now blog all the things that have been pressing on my mind these last couple of weeks. Actually, it's been awhile since I've written about my experiences and thoughts, so this one may be a duzie...where do I even start?

A few weeks ago I came to a point where I really questioned God. Happenings around me just weren't going "right": mental illnesses, extreme mood issues, hurting people, and my own self-pity all bundled up and made me think to ask God what the heck He was doing... or even if He existed at all. I thought back to all the things He has done in my life and questioned whether it was really Him all along. So, in my state of loneliness and sadness over circumstances in life, I outright told Him that He had better show me that He is real because nothing was making sense or providing any meaning in life. My passion just wasn't there because I started to not believe that God was there.

And then I started reading Job. Even in my time of unbelief, I was drawn to read a book I had only absent-mindedly slugged through before. But this time I could not stop reading it. I read the whole book in one week. I couldn't reading it with one of Job's friends talking because I knew they were wrong. And yet, as I read it, I saw how much I relate to problems in life like they did: God punishes those who are not faithful. Have faith, be right with God, and everything will be okay. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), it just isn't so. And Job knew it: "How can a man be in the right before God? If one wished to dispute with Him, he could not answer Him once in a thousand times" (9:2-3).

I read as Job and his friends tried to sort out why all this was happening to him, with knowledge of what was happening "behind the scenes" with God and Satan. There was so much more to the story than those men on earth knew. And at the end of Job, God reveals Himself and states that He is so much more powerful than they make Him to be: He is so much more wise, and so much more sovereign.

And then I started reading "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancy. I haven't read very far yet as I had to stop to concentrate on exams, but so far what I have learned through that book is essential to my wonderings and unbelief. God was hidden for me. He didn't "show up" (please note I put that in parentheses because He's already here). He did not give me clear guidelines on how to live so that I could be happy. He wasn't explaining to me why I felt hurt and lonely or what I should do to fix it. He allowed sick things to happen to people that I know. I guess you can say I was disappointed with God for many reasons... mostly because He wasn't doing what I expected Him to do. Most disappointment comes through false expectations. Not saying we can't expect things from God... but it has to be truthful.

So, in all the hiddenness, He taught me that this is the way we have faith. Who has faith in something that they can see and don't really need to believe in? Who has faith when there's a list of rights and wrongs (like the old testament...Deut. 30, and commandments) to live by? Who has faith when the object of that faith is walking with them in the garden? It didn't work before, and it doesn't work too well that way now. Would we have more faith if we saw more miracles, or is faith truly demonstrated in the times where it doesn't seem that the object of our faith won't come through for us? I don't know who said it, but this quote sums it up nicely: In the face of problems as they are, we see in Jesus Christ an exhibition of where our faith is to be placed - in a God whose ways we do not understand. I cry because I don't have a date on the weekends, and God says "have faith, I know what I'm doing." I get angry at him when I see injustice and God says "I know you don't understand it. Have faith." I become frustrated when I think that I am studying useless information and just want to be out DOING something and God says "Have faith while you're studying." And now it's Christmas, and I'm faced with days that I don't know how to fill. I know it will be good, but it's so unknown, and God says "Have faith. I'm with you always. Have faith regardless of what you are doing during the day. Believe me."

So where can I go? To place all your trust and faith in Someone who knows, who truly does understand me even to the deepest point where I don't understand myself, Someone who truly loves me, Someone who hides Himself so that we will be pleasing to Him, sounds so good, and yet crazy. But it's definitely a hopeful, joyful, peaceful, and loving place to be. I know I have alot more to learn in life, but I think this is one of my most favorite lessons that I have learned so far.

Gorgeous!

I came across some websites today and think the pictures in them are absolutely amazing! I'm sure most of us have tried catching snowflakes on our noses or tongue, or have crouched close to a window or lifted up or mitted hands to examine individual snowflakes before they melt. But I've never seen so many photographs of real snowflakes up close or been able to see the intricacies and differences between them. They really are a work of art! It gives a different meaning to what God talked about in Job: "From whose womb has come the ice? And the frost of heaven, who has given it birth?" (38:29). I read Job this week, and could hardly put it down... but when it got to this part where God talks of His power in nature, my thoughts were on the science behind it all...in all honesty, I didn't believe God on some of them because I reason them scientifically. In this case, as a simplified explanation, the water evaporates, condenses and percipitates in different forms depending on the temperature of the atmospheres... But as I look at these pictures, I wonder how such miniature, perfect, unique, and intricate pieces of art seem to only come from water solidifying? The question arises as to what decides how the hydrogen bonds will form to make the crystal. I know temperature plays a huge part, but there are too many different shapes for "natural" factors to play into their design. Besides, those are the mediums by which God fashions all the designs He made up in the first place!

We have alot of snow here in Edmonton. It's been melting the past couple of days, but while it's still out there causing havoc for any mode of transportation, think about how many crystals of snow are in your front yard and consider that they are amazing works of art designed by the most perfect and creative person that we know. He makes me smile.

http://www.markcassino.com/galleries/snowflakes/flake_thumbs.htm

http://www.its.caltech.edu/~atomic/snowcrystals/photos/photos.htm

I do have fun too...

Alright... I haven't written much about the fun times that I have, or anything outside of my endless pondering of things in life, so here is your chance to know what I do during the times I'm not thinking so much. I've made a top ten list of the things I have enjoyed in the past while:



1. Taking pictures and watching Heidi doctor them


2. Making a Christmas-colored tent fort in the living room and sleeping in it


3. Setting up and decorating Christmas trees


4. Getting a new computer


5. Drinking hot chocolate and egg nog


6. Anticipating jumping into the fresh snow in front of Corbett Hall



7. Chocolate chocolate chip cookies (I think Heidi is actually cookie monster in disguise... you have to be quick around here!)


8. Reading the book of Job


9. Talking with strangers on the street


10.Bible study

and for good measure:


11. Being done classes at school


12. Laughing hard every night at the funniest roommate moments

Noticable?

I never really realized how many Christians are in my classes at school. Needless to say, it seems really ridiculous to me that I have never noticed. I know most everyone in the class has values of helping people and such like, but within the last couple of weeks I have discovered more and more Christians! On the one hand, it's excellent. On the other hand, I wonder why I didn't notice before... sometimes we sure don't seem like Christians.

I've laughed at horrible comments, complained along with others (both of these with Christians), have gone through my day with all my focus on myself, purposely avoided people I don't want to talk with, haven't shared about Christ with people I'm around, don't enjoy many songs about God even though they may be true, and have marvelous plans and ideas for serving God in the future and what that looks like, but don't do a whole lot of anything to show those desires and treasures now.

Now, that's not to say that we need to solely act like Christians for people to recognize us as such. I think alot of the people who read my blog know this already. But this last week my brow has been furrowed over the fact that I didn't know the people in my class who are Christians ARE Christians. And I don't know if they know that I am. Even if they do, do I really display Christ's love and power? Hardly. Actually, the way I've been going through some of my days really isn't any different from anyone who doesn't know Christ. I can be inspired by verses in the Bible, pray, and be on my merry little way. I can also hang out with my friends and roommates all the time, but not provide encouragement in following Jesus.

OK, I know there's more depth to my faith than that. I didn't lose it. However, I've really noticed that some key part is lacking. Once again, where's the fruit of the Spirit? Where's the evidence that the Spirit is acting in my life? That I'm not quenching Him but letting Him have full reign? That I completely live by and through Him? Where is the Spirit and what does He do anyway? Where did my passion...my zeal... for Him go?

I remember the first time I learned that Christ lived in me and how incredibly excited I was over the knowledge that Jesus' power is manifested in and through me. I felt sparkly with the idea. Oftentimes now, I feel glazed over. Where did the power go? Why don't I let Him be powerful in me?

Granted, this year has been crazy insane for learning things and going through changes... and I've experience God more fully and differently than ever before... and I know my experiences are real. But right now, I think and feel monotone. But I WANT God's power working in me. I want so much to see His power working through my Christian friends. I want to believe and grow and blossom more and more. It's definitely something to spend some good honest time talking and listening with God about...

perceptions

I swear that perceptions are going to be the death of me. I don't mean perceptions of sensations (for example, you find a particular potato chip saltier than I do), but people's perceptions of other people's thoughts and actions. I find it so fascinating, and particularly frusterating, that each person has different perceptions of the same event depending on their past experiences, knowledge, beliefs, feelings, and mind-set at the time. I analyze it, try to figure it out, and come to the same conclusion every time: I don't know. I don't know why it works so splendidly the way it does, and why it is so disasterous the way it is. However, there's definitely something to be said for having Christ's perspective on things. Even if I don't know what to do, or who's thoughts are best (mine, the others, or the other others or anyone else's for that matter), I do know that God is all wise, sees and understands all the perceptions, knows all the conditions involved, and also knows what's really going on. Ha- and my problem regarding perceptions just became solved. Why bother trying to figure everyone's perceptions out when Christ knows? He knows, and He is the one that can change people to fix broken perspectives - including my own. In my immaturity, I often just want to be the one in the right. But beyond that, I want to be wise and I want to know what most glorifes God in a situation. But as long as I know that God has perceptions covered... why bother killing my brain and draining my tear reserves in order to sort it all out? Instead, I am sweetly humbled in and freed from it all until I forget. But God still knows, and will bring me back to this point again.

Little blog...

Well, I think my life is about the same old... constant adjustment and learning. Of course, I'm always learning new things, or new spins on old things, and I myself am having to change because of it. There's definitely ALOT of things that need to be changed. I can see those things, and can understand how much better it would be without them, or with them surrendered to God (why DO we hang onto things... especially thoughts, feelings, and habits... that just tear us down, or tear us away from closely following God?), so it's just a matter of sitting down with Him and letting Him have it. Although much of it is hard... it's SO hard to give up things I'm so attached to... I'm convinced that God just keeps changing me to be more who He wants me to be, and give me a truly freed life, and that's exciting and a huge driving force for why I want to change. He died AND came back to life to give me that... and I want so much to live in it.

As much as I thoroughly liked being in Calgary, I'm glad I'm back home in Edmonton. It's good to sit and laugh with my roommates, play UNO, eat ice cream, and drink tea. It's good to get re-connected with people. I also feel a bit that it's a time where I can "start over" so-to-speak. Not that alot here is going to change, but I've changed, some of my circumstances have changed, and I know I have choices as to what I'm doing with my life here in Edmonton now. The only thing I really don't like is the yucky slushy side-walks and dirty streets that make walking to school at least four times harder than usual. But at least it's a good work-out. And it's really not that bad.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." ~John Burroughs

Make it stop!!!

Warning: this post was written over a few days, so think of it as a process...perhaps a process that jumps around a bit, but in the end is fairly cohesive.

This last week was HARD to get through. All day today I’ve felt as though I have a massive hang-over, that my emotions are volatile, and I’m just exhausted. I periodically go through a phase of being extremely frustrated with myself over many things… all tied down to thinking that I’m not thinking as I should. My mind has been wrung and blown to pieces in trying to reason about reasoning, and it’s not a pretty picture. At times like these I wonder why things are the way they are, why I can’t seem to be living a care-free life, and why I get hung up on silly little things that are perfectly fine. This process of navel-gazing drives me crazy! Navel-gazing and analyzing absolutely everything that goes on around me. My mom recognized that and told me to stop. I can't say that being so analytic makes me fun to be around.

I’ve struggled all week with my mind and seeing how people work with the mind in psychiatric settings. The mind is so malleable, what goes on in it changes how we behave. Things with the mind have been the latest and greatest fad it seems (or just seems to be because I’m living quite in the middle of it all)…and it seems so me sometimes that if I could just stop thinking, and just LIVE, I would be okay…and so would everyone else. But it’s just not true. So here I sit, with my prefrontal cortex (aka the reasoning part of your brain) aching and swollen with the Tylenol merely numbing it a bit. A couple of days this week I ran head-on with issues regarding people and my faith. It’s SO hard to see people wanting forgiveness, hope, joy, and not being able to, and not seeing, anything offered to them to help out in the specific ways I know would help out. I cried…hard. There are so many choices that we have… and it’s with our minds that we make these choices.

But at the same time, I was talking with one of the OTs and was reminded that I am not the savior. I myself cannot save these people. I cannot fix their minds. I can’t even fix my own mind. I am not responsible for people’s choices, and their mental rehabilitation. I cannot persuade someone to believe, to be better, to think better. I know I have those choices for myself although sometimes it feels like I can’t even persuade myself. But again, I cannot salvage my own mind. That doesn’t make me a horrible wimp with no control over myself, but there’s something about my mind that often just leans toward destruction. Do I need to convince myself that God can take care of my mind? Why do I think that I have to?

I couldn't say it better (I'm pretty sure I've stated this before in another blog within a different context, but here it is again):

"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not praciticing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate... no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not...I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is within my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:14-25ish)

Often I feel stuck in a destructive cycle within my mind... and I cannot get out of it. Yesterday morning we looked at John 3...the part about being reborn. When we were first born (physically), none of it was of our own doing. We didn't have the choice to be born or not, we didn't work to be born, we didn't suffer the pain of being born. Someone else did all those things for us so we can be alive today. Now, the only difference in being re-born (spiritually) is that we have a choice. But it's still someone else who does the work for us and has suffered the pain for us. We CAN'T do it. We try so hard after we've been re-born to act as though we are re-born. But it's still someone else that has given us life and continually provides that life for us. Knowing that automatically provides rest. God does not see us as miserable wretches that can't seem to get our acts together, including controlling the mind. It's only when I surrender my mind to Him, rest in the fact that HE is the one renewing it, HE is the one who has given me this life in the first place, and I don't need to think I should suffer for it because HE already did, and all that gives my mind a sense of peace and hope.

I think the sad part is that I so readily forget all of this... I forget the truth and instead focus on myself and try to figure it out all on my own. I will most likely forget again, but that doesn't make God love me any less, nor does it affect how He looks at me as someone whose sinful ways are washed away by His Son. Note to self: read this blog when that happens again!

I had a funny thought the other day. I’ve thought it before, but since I’ve been putting the hidden thoughts (or un-thought-about-thoughts) into words because I’ve had to at my placement, I thought about it in more up-front terms. I don’t know how people primarily consider God in their lives. Some people see Him as a father, some as Lord, some as a friend. I’ve always said He’s my companion. It’s true… He’s also my very best friend. But, I laughed at myself when I realized I think of Him as my conjoined twin. He’s obviously NOT my twin (or I’m obviously NOT His twin), but it’s the connection… the sense that you cannot go anywhere or be anywhere where He is not. As I let Him, He transforms my mind and my heart to be more like His. We share the same heart-set, the same mind-set as I let Him have more control.

And finally, as a friend told me to do earlier the day I started this posting, as I poured out my frustrated mind in unclear concepts (thanks again for being patient and listening), I decided to just enjoy… enjoy the time I get to spend with my family … enjoy the people around me… enjoy what God has given me. Forget my frustrations…leave them behind…leave them with God. Let Him renew my mind. Beg Him to renew my mind. Smile. Life revolving around the mind focuses a lot on moving on. Hard to do sometimes, but I decided to just enjoy what’s going on around me…enjoy my brother playing guitar in front of me, my sister petting my dog beside me, my mom picking up birthday cards off the table, and my dad sitting in the rocking chair discussing how to say “yes, dear” when my mom told him to take his brand new studded bike tires off the couch because they would poke holes in it all the while glancing through a sears catelogue admiring the kid toys. It’s nice when my family just sits around together!

Here are a few pictures of my family and the fun we have. (Umm...hold that thought for now... for now you'll just have to be held in suspense!)

On a last note, I would appreciate any prayers regarding having my mind in a place that is freeing and also pleasing to God. All Him…

Taking my breath away...

I think that someday I will scale a mountain.

Camerons took me to the mountains this weekend for a bit of an outing. It was a gorgeous day out, so after church we headed out to Canmore. I've never really stopped in Canmore before. We walked by a little creek, and then drove up near the top of Chinaman's Peak (ok, not really near, but nearer than I've ever been in my life). There's something about being up in the mountains that just takes the breath of my heart away. They're strong, majestic, something to be conquered. I've always wanted to hike to the top of a mountain... past the trees where there's just rocks and I can look across to other tops of mountains. (Along with that, I think my next vehicle will be a truck or a jeep. I like driving up gravel roads in sporty vehicles, so I should just add that into my dream). When we got out of the car, the air was crisp and it was super windy out... the kind of wind that can hurt the ears very quickly, but I just wanted to embrace it all. There was clear, cold mountain water right behind me, a massively huge valley before me, a fortress of rock beside me, and the wind whipping all around me.

Yesterday on the bus on the way home, I could see downtown Calgary with the mountain silouettes behind and the rich deeper-than-coral color of the setting sun lighting up the sky behind them both. It made me think about the beauty of nature that God has blessed us with, especially in Canada (because it hasn't all been destroyed yet), and made me hopeful of actually hiking up a mountain to stand at the peak to just bask in the quietness and ruggedness of one of the most beautiful parts of creation.

Someday...

Psychiatric Ward

Thank you to all who e-mailed or called the first few days of placement!!! I must admit, I really don't adapt to change very well. Especially when I'm tired and frusterated with myself to begin with. But you have all been more than supportive of me, and I'm thankful for that! I'm also blessed to be living with Jordan Cameron's parents who have been treating me like family.

For those who don't know what I'm up to, I'm currently in Calgary doing my first fieldwork placement... in an acute psychiatric ward of a hospital. Interesting... incredibly interesting.... and I love it. However, in being such a baby OT (Occupational Therapist), I'm finding I have alot to learn. And not just about the profession and the people I work with, but also about myself. I can no longer just take the bookwork and apply it. It's life and these are real people I'm working with. And I need to change accordingly. Yesterday we (another OT student and I) along with our preceptor were working on goals as a student in this setting (yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but if you ever take OT and work with people, you'll soon learn how incredibly important they really are). The drawback is that I don't think I've ever been able to achieve a goal I've set for my own personal growth. They just aren't important enough to me, or I'd rather not face issues dead on. BUT, that's exactly what we encourage people on the ward with depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia to do. And above and beyond labelling the issues, we also work on solutions (very practical solutions). I'm still getting used to the whole psychodynamic framework behind OT in mental health (psychodynamic always makes me think of Freud, and he always made me either feel grossed out or extremely uncomfortable), but as I listen in on group sessions, and am challenged in my own life (trust me, I cried in front of my preceptor, and just by asking questions she helped me pinpoint things in my life I would have never bothered to figure out but would be content to be stuck in), sometimes it really makes sense.

That last statement, along with goals, and along with helping people achieve quality of life, or just being able to function on their own in life (tied into quality of life since that's usually what a person wants most of all after being discharged from the hospital), makes OT sound alot like self-help. And I find that conclusion frusterating. But not so all at the same time. I thought about it on the bus on the way home because I have plenty of time them to think and do work and pray (45 min bus ride there and back). At first I could not coincide the two ideas of self-help and God-help. I know that they don't work together. But in thinking about my own experiences so far, and the things I know need to change in my life to be an effective OT, I realized that it is by the grace of God that I can do any of those things. I feel as though I haven't been very calm inside these last couple of days, but working through that thought made my mind a little clearer and my whole body more energetic.

The biggest challenge? Being asked if I thought I was depressed. It's almost neat (perhaps in a weird way) that I have experienced emotional struggles these last few months (yes, and up to today), because I find that I can understand some of the patients in the ward. Granted, most who struggle with mood are there because of suicidal ideation, but I can relate to feelings of not being good enough, being stuck in my own mind, and not knowing what to do next. The trick as an OT is to not let those things sit on the surface (really, they just have to plainly be dealt with) so that they don't come bursting out the moment I can relate to people. How can I help people when I feel so messed up myself?! Not that I have to have it all together. And that's where God's grace, His love, and His forgiveness, as well as His strength, His faithfulness, and being a Rock to stand on all come into play. No, I'm not depressed. And I could honestly answer that question because I have thought about it. I admit I have had glimpses of what it would be like. And because of that, I can understand what others are going through all the better. But that understanding isn't necessarily for me... just so I can relate. It's so that others can experience the same hope that I do. Even when I can't see anything else, I know that God is carrying me and it will be okay on the other side as long as I keep trusting Him. It's when I pray and let Him be God in my life (even when it feels like I can't keep going on), that miracles happen in my life, and in others lives too. Reading Psalm 86 last night and this morning was really good.... I definitely encourage you all to read it!

Speaking of miracles... I found out the neatest thing today. At least 3 of the OTs I work with are Christians, and today I got to chat with an OT who recently came from Britian with her family. Why did they come? Because God told them to. And He arranged all the details too in amazing ways. It was exciting to hear her story, and she was excited to share it with me. She has a fun and very spunky British character and just loves people (she reminds me of you, Beth, but different all at the same time... she used to have a mohawk in her teen years). And it's blatently evident to me that she is trusting God with everything... her family, her house, her work, why she's in Canada...I have alot of respect for her knowledge, the way she practices, and her faith. I get to work with her for the rest of this week and all next week. Lots of fun adventures and laughter, and tea to do, that's for sure. And I'm learning all the while....

One of my nasty habits is going to bed too late. I intend to go early because I'm just beat, and alas, it's still almost 11:30. What ever happened to actually going to bed early when I'm so tired? Ha. So off to my comfy bed I go. One of my goals is centered on managing time and finishing things in a timely manner. Oh brother... what have I gotten myself into?